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| PHONES All phone numbers begin with 555. People speaking on the phone never introduce themselves, and never ever say "good-bye" at the end of a conversation. A ringing phone is usually picked up within 3 seconds. Don't give the person on the other end of the phone time to say what they have to. You also never have to look up a phone number, for anyone. When a phone line is broken or someone hangs up unexpectedly, communication channels can be restored by frantically beating the cradle and saying "Hello? Hello?". Always knock over the phone if it wakes you up. If you are expecting a call, make sure that you pull the covers up completely over your head so that knocking it over becomes easier. All houses have phones next to the bed. There's a dial tone to be heard on A's phone immediately after B has hung up on his/her end. The Movie Telephone Time Vortex. How often have you seen something like this: Phone rings. Hero/Heroine picks it up. "Hello. Yes. O.k. Right. Thanks, Goodbye." (Total elapsed time on phone: 5 seconds.) Hero/Heroine turns to other character: "That was John. He says that the Marilyn left for the lawyer's office about an hour ago, and she should have been there by now. He's called the lawyer's office but Marilyn apparently never got there. He also called Bill's, thinking she'd stop by there, but Bill hasn't seen her. John says he's going to call Anne, as Marilyn said she and Ann were going to go shopping sometime today. If she's not at Anne's, he's going to call the police. He suggests that we drive over to Mario's and check with him as to whether or not Marilyn told Wally about the statue. However, he thinks this is unlikely as Marilyn doesn't trust Wally, she only trusts us and Fransisco. John also suggests we try to get in touch with Fransisco . . . ." On the subject of phones, how about variations of the Bob Newhart-style conversation where we only get to hear one side of the conversation, as in: Marilyn hasn't shown up at the lawyer's office yet? (PAUSE) And you already called Bill's? (PAUSE) What did he say? (PAUSE) He hasn't seen her either. (PAUSE) So, John's getting nervous? (PAUSE) He's going to call the police... If I'm not mistaken, the conversation must have gone like this: "Marilyn hasn't shown up at the lawyer's office yet." "Marilyn hasn't shown up at the lawyer's office yet?" "No, and I've already called Bill's." "And you already called Bill's?" "Yes." "What did he say?" "He hasn't seen her either." "He hasn't seen her either." "John's getting pretty nervous about this." "So, John's getting nervous?" "Yes, he's going to call the police." "He's going to call the police..." When phone-calls are traced you can see a map on the screen with a beam closing in on the caller, and the caller always knows how long he can talk before he has to hang up to not be traced down. He always manages to say everything perfectly timed for 2 minutes. Video-phones display pictures of the callers looking straight into the camera. The camera must be in the middle of their screen, in other words. If the hero tries to call someone he needs urgently he won't need more than three rings to know that he/she is not there. If someone wants to call the hero, he/she will let the phone ring forever before hanging up, expecially if the caller does not know that the hero has to fight his way to the phone through a bunch of bad guys. A person is placing a phone call to a company, such as "Sports Illustrated." The phone at the other end is picked up, and the person placing the call says, "Hello, Sports Illustrated?", as if they are checking to make sure they called the right place. What this means is that at a major company, someone is answering the phone with "hello" and that's it! Not, "hello, Sports Illustrated, can I help you?" or anything like that, just "Hello!" POLICE Police Captains/lieutenants are always angry at their star detective and yell at him, threatening suspension if he doesn't drop the case. Corollary: it is only after the detective has been suspended that he can properly crack the case. Many police chiefs are in constant contact with their city's mayor who will often "chew their ass" about a single criminal investigation out of the thousands going on in a city. (note: See "I Married an Axe Murderer" for a hilarious send-up of the "mean chief" cliche.) The police will never question the hero, even if he kills lots of bad guys The cops never show up during massive gun battles in city streets that involve bystanders and exploding cars. After the fact, you might just hear a hint of a siren in the distance. More murders always happen during the investigation of the first one. The last living suspect is the murderer. Most homicide detectives are brooding, near-crazed loners, most likely divorced or widowed, borderline alcoholics. Of course, there are more respectable-looking detectives, but they are inept and not nearly as tough as their mentally-troubled colleagues. Many detectives are recruited directly from the police academy, therefore accounting for youthful "seasoned detectives" (see "Speed","Kuffs", "Stakeout"). PREGNANCY & CHILDBIRTH The fact that a woman is pregnant or the fact that she notes her pregnancy is introduced by a scene where you hear the woman vomit. Whenever a woman announces to her husband/boyfriend that she's pregnant, it comes as a complete surprise to him, whether pleasantly or otherwise. No one is in labor for hours and hours... they pop out babies in a matter of minutes. No one is ever offered an epidural or medication, everyone uses lamaze (pant method), but they often scream at & demean those around them. Most babies are born clean, with perfectly shaped heads and dry hair All movie babies are born huge, usually the size of the average two month old. Women who give birth are perfectly made up afterwards PRISON In jail, there must be a brutal guard and an evil scheming warden. Inside a prison there is always a boss among the convicts. Usually he's black, blind and crippled surrounded by tough black musclemen, and he is the one the white hero has to see to get something. In a prison or a gymm, when someone is about to be threatened, it usally takes place when the subject is on his back pumping iron and the bar is lowered onto his neck thus reshaping the windpipe and driving some point home. PRODUCT PLACEMENT Time will stand still when when the hero is in the presence of a company logo. When a character picks up a bottle of whiskey or a pack of cigarettes, the label will always be clearly visible. If the producers find no company to invest into the picture, strange things happen to the world: gas stations have no brand names visible, stars use no-name airlines (they often crash!), all smokers use silver cases for their cigarettes. |
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