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| INDEPENDENCE DAY It is reasonable to assume that the quality of the training of United States Marine Corps pilots is such that any Marine fly boy could hop into an alien spacecraft and immediately be able to fly it into deep space. The White House press secretary has a listed phone number. When stuck in a tunnel and faced with Armageddon in the form of a fireball that is capable of obliterating all life in Los Angeles, simply duck into a maintenance closet and let the end of the world pass you by. Despite the fact that we are able to send a fax from a beeper on our hip while walking down a street in San Francisco to a Range Rover in Johannesburg, alien spacecraft need to be hardwired to a satellite to speak to each other. High class strippers with a heart of gold can operate most heavy equipment. It is not beyond the realm of imagination that the President of the United States would be a fighter jock and would be willing to return to active duty to do battle with invincible alien bad guys Alien spacecraft the size of Australia can be taken out with one well-placed sidewinder missile Most laptops are configured with interfaces powerful enough to override the communications systems of the most sophisticated futuristic societies Despite the fact that they wear biomechanical body armor that can only be removed with a scalpel and the fact that they possess hyper-developed brains that allow them to destroy their enemies simply by thinking about it, alien fighter pilots have a glass jaw and can be knocked unconscious for hours with one punch If you are a woman who: 1)survives a blast from an alien spacecraft that wipes out Los Angeles 2)lives through the ensuing helicopter crash 3)survives while buried by rubble 4)survives despite being transported by open backed diesel truck across the worst terrain ever created...do not check into a military hospital with the best medical help money can buy because you will die Despite the fact that no living person, even on a clear day with a map and two state troopers providing an escort, can negotiate the Los Angeles freeway system without getting lost, nearly-blown-up women can drive through the shattered ruins of a decimated Los Angeles straight to El Toro When you crash an alien spacecraft into the high desert because you were hurtled back through the earth's atmosphere by an atomic blast you set off, the fact that you do not have a parachute or any other visible means of slowing your fall does not mean that you should not walk away from the wreckage completely unscathed and straight into your girl's arms The standard trip home from space, when assisted by an atomic blast, lasts approximately two to three pulls on a cigar Although aliens possess technological capabilities millions of years beyond our own that enables them to embed secret codes in our satellite network, they can be stymied by Morse Code, which is generally printed on the front panel of a child's walkie talkie The most sophisticated labs in the world have impenetrable vault doors buried 30 stories into mountains but use regular hardware store glass panes for observation rooms in the lab nerve center Although aliens possess tentacles dexterous enough to manipulate human vocal cords from outside the throat when the need to speak strikes them, they can not open a door for themselves The correct military honor for a hero who saves the world by sacrificing his own life by flying directly into the alien death ray is to clap and cheer wildly in front of the hero's family immediately after he perishes Any vehicle, including clunkers, can make the trip down from Manhattan to Washington D.C. in just a few hours in gridlocked end-of-the-world type traffic INJURIES When the hero is knocked out, he won't get a concussion or brain damage. People hit on the head will not throw up. When a hero gets a bloody nose, he'll stop bleeding almost immediately. When a hero suffers through car chases and crashes, he never has to worry about unfelt spinal injury from impact. A slight blow to the head is usually enough to cause total amnesia Characters that get shot will never go into shock. The hero will always get shot in the shoulder, yet will be able to use his arm. A facial scars is likely to make you go insane and seek revenge for the rest of your life. If you lose a hand, it causes the stump of your arm to grow by six inches. A lost hand either comes crawling back, or a mad surgeon will replace it with one transplanted from an executed strangler. If a person gets shot they have plenty of time to tell all kinds of things except the most important information (like the name of the murderer). A person shot to death will immediately do just that - die. Their bodies do not flop and jerk around for a few minutes as the muscles contract involuntarily and sporadically as the brain dies a slow electro-chemical death (as with real gun-shot deaths). |
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