| Home | Newest Jokes | Funny Pictures | Funny Videos |
| Film Jokes |
Mel Brooks was once asked what the most difficult part of film making was. Without hesitation he replied: "The holes, man! Punching all those holes!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "I was aware that I didn't know anything about making films, but I believed I couldn't make them any worse than the majority of films I was seeing... Bad films gave me the courage to try making a movie." Stanley Kubrick -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "I would openly celebrate Quentin Tarantino's death." Don Murphy, Producer, Natural Born Killers -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Marx Brothers were being sued by Warner Bros. Studios over the use of Casablanca in the Marx Brother's movie 'Night in Casablanca'. Warner maintained that they had exclusive rights to the word Casablanca from their movie of the same name. Groucho promptly sued Warners over the use of the word Brothers claiming that they were brothers before the Warner Brothers who weren't actually brothers etc. Warner Bros. finally dropped the suit. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Acting is the expression of a neurotic impulse. It's a bum's life. . . The principal benefit acting has afforded me is the money to pay for my psychoanalysis." Marlon Brando, 1960 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- When Hollywood movies play in Hong Kong the titles often translate strangely. "Boogie Nights" became "His Powerful Tool Makes Him Famous", "The Full Monty" became "Six Stripped Warriors" and "The English Patient" is "Don't Ask Me Who I Am". Oddly, "Titanic" is simply "Brando". -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The producers of "Baywatch" announced that this year the final episode of the show will be interactive for viewers. Then again, for most men Baywatch always is interactive... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- In China of the 1920's, China Theatres Ltd. would let audiences in for free. After a movie was about half through, exhibitors would turn the movie off, switch on the house lights, and start collecting commissions in a basket. This was done because the Chinese refused to pay for anything they had not seen. The movie was restarted after collections. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Calvin's Dad explains Black & White Calvin: Dad, how come old photographs are always black and white? Didn't they have color film back then? Dad: Sure they did. In fact, those old photographs are in color. It's just the world was black and white then. C: Really? D: Yep. The world didn't turn color until sometime in the 1930s, and it was pretty grainy color for a while, too. C: That's really weird. D: Well, truth is stranger than fiction. C: But then why are old paintings in color?! If the world was black and white, wouldn't artists have painted it that way? D: Not necessarily. A lot of great artists were insane. C: But... but how could they have painted in color anyway? Wouldn't their paints have been shades of gray back then? D: Of course, but they turned colors like everything else in the '30s. C: So why didn't old black and white photos turn color too? D: Because they were color pictures of black and white, remember? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Actual English subtitles used in films from Hong Kong I am darn unsatisfied to be killed in this way. Same old rules: no eyes, no groin. Darn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken. Take my advice, or I'll spank you. Who gave you the nerve to get killed here? Quiet or I'll blow your throat up. I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out! You daring lousy guy. Beat him out of recognizable shape! Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your doctor for a thorough extermination. I have been scared silly too much lately. I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair! Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected. You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Things you'd have never known without the movies see also: Film Clichés During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread. It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty. There is never any dust or lint in them either. If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition - even if you haven't been carrying any before now. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do. If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long. When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare. Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the refrigerator door and use that light instead. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it. Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames. The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a baseball stadium. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth. All of the clocks in Pulp Fiction are stuck on 4:20. Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of our visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant. It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors. Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- When ever I hear someone defending reality I think of Turner, the great landscape painter renowned for his sunsets. An old lady stood looking at his unfinished multicolored canvas of a sunset over the Thames estuary and then looked at the grey skies in front of her and said "My man, that's a beautiful painting you are doing but it does't look a bit like that to me." The great man turned to her and said "Ah no maam, but don't you wish it did?" David Samuelson -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Titanic 2 We reveal the plot! Jack didn't actually die, it was a government conspiracy. See the Billy Zane character, whatever his name is, was a KGB spy. Now Jack was an undercover agent trying to nab him but the boat sank. Now I believe that when "Jack" (If that's his real name) supposedly died, the FBI took his body, which was already in the cryogenic freezing phase and put him in a room for a few years. Now Rose knew that so she hid from Billy Zane and met up with Jack several years later. This is where the sequel starts. Jack hasn't aged any, so when he sees Rose he immediately disowns her. She goes crazy, and does some Tarantino kind of sh*t on Jacks face. Jack, scarred for life hides below the surface plotting his revenge against the earth. Sound Confusing ? Well let's get David Lynch to direct it, and it will be even more confusing. But everyone will see it because it has Leo in it. Jon Pettipas -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Year 2020. They find the remains of Jack's body and thanks to the advanced bio-medicine he gets cloned. Same happens to his love interest. They go out on a space mission... and guess what happens? Mart Weiss Please do e-mail me your Titanic 2 version! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Frank Capra's regular screenwriter was so sick and tired of reading about his work being credited solely to Capra, and especially to the overuse of the phrase "the Capra touch" that he sent Capra a sheaf of 100 blank pages with the comment "Give that the f*cking Capra touch!" Michael -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Then there was the little girl who referred to the big bloke in black in "Star Wars" as "Daft Ada" Andrew Ward -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Allegedly true story The new projection outfit was being installed at the Odeon Marble Arch, where one of the machines developed a 'ghost'. This is a projection phenomenon which occurs when things get out of sync and the film moves while the shutter is open and light is allowed to pass, resulting in a ghost image on the screen. Projectionists and engineers were unable to rectify what should really be a simple fault, so in despair they adjourned to the adjacent restaurant. There they continued to discuss the problem of the ghost. There must have been an eavesdropper at a nearby table, because that evening the Evening Standard carried the headline: 'Odeon Marble Arch Haunted'. Andrew Ward -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Specific names for the catastrophe that would happen if the AC 'dropped the core' in the darkroom Pr-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r 'On no, not again!' 'Alternative employment opportunity enhancement' 'Hi, I'm now a DP' 'Erm, these WERE all out-takes....weren't they?' 'Well, it happens at the labs all the time, honest!' 'I always wanted to work in sound anyway' 'Great! Now I can join GBCT.' (One question the guild used to ask new prospective members was when was the last time they cocked-up on a shoot. If they insisisted that they has NEVER made a mistake, we suggested they come back when they has a little more experience.) 'This wouldn't have happened if we had used the A-Minima' 'This wouldn't have happened if we had used Digi-Beta' 'Erm, can we send the darkroom to the labs?' Brain (been there, done it, cocked-it-up) Rose -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- During a re-lighting the DP and the Camera Operator end up arguing. The DP says sex is 90% work and only 10% pleasure. The Operator argues the opposite: 90% pleasure and 10% work. They can't agree, so seek a 3rd party to arbitrate. The only person around is the Loader. They ask him his opinion. He asks them if he could speak freely, and they tell him to go ahead. He answers, "Well, if you really ask my opinion, I'd say it's all pleasure, for if there was any work connected with it, you'd have me doing it!" Mart Weiss -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude." "You must be an Production Manager," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far." The woman below responded, "You must be a Producer." "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault." |
| Submitted By: Anonymous... |
Home - Privacy Policy
Site Copyright �2003-2007 Nick Hemingway