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HMO FAQ

"I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places.
He told me to quit going to
those places." - Henny Youngman

~~~ Managed Health Care FAQ ~~~

Q: What does HMO stand for?
A: This is actually a variation of the phrase, "Hey, Moe!" Its roots go
back to the concept pioneered by Dr. Moe Howard, who discovered that a
patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was
poked hard enough in the eyes. Modern practice replaces the finger poke
with hi-tech equivalents such as voice mail and referral slips, but the
result remains the same.

Q: Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A: No. Only those you need.

Q: I just joined a new HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I
want?
A: Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer
will provide you with a book listing all the doctors who were
participating in the plan at the time the information was gathered.
These doctors will fall into two basic categories: those who are no
longer accepting new patients and those who will see you but are no
longer part of the plan. But don't worry--the remaining doctor who is
still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just half a
day's drive away.

Q: What are pre-existing conditions?
A: This is a phrase used by the grammatically challenged when they want to
talk about existing conditions. Unfortunately, we seem to be pre-stuck
with it.

Q: Well, can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions?
A: Certainly. As long as they don't require any treatment.

Q: What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
A: You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.

Q: I have an 80/20 plan with a $200 deductible and a $2,000 yearly cap. My
insurer reimbursed the doctor for my outpatient surgery, but I'd already
paid the bill. What should I do?
A: You have two choices: your doctor can sign the reimbursement check over
to you, or you can ask him to invest the money for you in one of those
great offers that only doctors and dentists hear about, like windmill
farms and frog hatcheries.

Q: What accounts for the largest portion of health care costs?
A: Doctors trying to recoup their investment losses.

Q: What should I do if I get sick while traveling?
A: Try sitting in a different part of the bus.

Q: No, I mean what if I'm away from home and I get sick?
A: You really shouldn't do that. You'll have a hard time seeing your
primary care physician. It's best to wait until you return, then get
sick.

Q: I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle
my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart
transplant right in his office?
A: Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $10
co-payment, there's no harm in giving him a shot.

Q: My pharmacy only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I
tried the generic medication and it gave me a stomach ache. What should
I do?
A: Poke yourself in the eye.

Q: What will change if the government takes over health care?
A: Your coverage will have the efficiency of the Post Office and the bedside
manner of the Internal Revenue Service.

Q: Will health care be any different in the next century?
A: No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.

Submitted By: Anonymous...