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| Jill Dando |
| For those of you ignorant Americans (like me), Jill Dando was a popular correspondant who hosted a show called Crimewatch UK (kind of like America's Most Wanted). Jill was shot at her doorstep as she was leaving for work, most likely because of her crime-fighting reputation. WARNING. If you are offended by Jill Dando jokes PLEASE LEAVE NOW. How did Jill Dando feel at her job? Under the gun. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I hear that Jill Dando was going to make a guest appearance on Just Shoot Me. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Songs Rewritten For Jill Dando: Elton John: BBC In The Wind Britney Spears: Hit Me Baby Five More Times Or maybe Pat Benatar:Hit Me With Your Five Best Shots Shirley Bassey: Miss Kiss Kiss Bang Bang Thump Big Daddy Kane: Baby Got Holes In Back -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What's red and gathers dust? Jill's passport. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What's the differance between jill dando and a golf course? It takes more than 1 shot to compeletley finish a round of golf! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What's a Jehovah's witness and Jill Dando's Killer have in common? They both stand on your doorstep and do your head in. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What's the difference between Ruud Gullit's Wife and Jill Dando? One sleeps with a Gullit in her Bed. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What does Jill Dando and George Best have in common? They both ended their careers at Fulham. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What does a piece of cod and Jill Dando have in common? They both get battered before lunchtime. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What TV program did Jill Dando not appear in? Shooting Stars. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What's the difference between Danny Baker and Jill Dando? Danny Baker survived the doorstep challenge. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why is Crimewatch UK not being scrapped? Because Nick Ross is terrified of getting the bullet. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Jill Dando had a new antique show for the BBC... The shooting started this week. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why did Nick Ross resign from BBC Crimewatch UK? Because he needs the job like he needs a hole in the head. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What's the difference between a pint of beer and Jill Dando? A pint of beer still looks good after you blow off its head. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What does the Kosovo Crisis & a 9mm bullet have in common? Jill Dando can't stop either of them. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What was the last thing to go through Jill Dando's mind? A 9mm hollow point bullet. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What does the new Hugh Grant film (Notting Hill) & Jill Dando have in common? They were both shot near Chelsea -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What's Jill Dando's favourite band and song? BOOM Town Rats: Tell Me Why I Don't Like Mondays. (the day she was shot) A Steps and Tragedy (She was shot on the steps of her house) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Jill was really talented... Her impersonation of John Lennon was dead on! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What's the difference between Jill Dando and a black taxi? A black taxi can take 5 in the back. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What's the emptiest room in Britain? The one where they'll be holding the auditions for the new Crimewatch UK presenter. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- There are no flies on Jill Dando... Not yet! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Bit of an overkill isn't it? In America, they just fire the host or cancel the show... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Phil Hartman upon meeting Jill Dando In Heaven: Hey don't you just feel shot on a day like today? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What's the difference between a dildo and a dando? You put one in a box, and the other... ahhh, actually, they're the same. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why can't Jill Dando hold her drink? Because one shot goes straight to her head! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Recycled Joke Alert!!! Jill Dando goes through the Pearly Gates and meets St Peter…. "Can I have a halo like the one Princess Di is wearing" says Jill. "That's not a halo, that's a steering wheel!" replied St Peter. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What's Jill Dando's new show for the BBC? Wish I was still here! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Some say that Jill Dando was a lesbian… She was killed by someone she fingered on Crimewatch. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What's the difference between a Dando and a Dodo? One's a dead bird that used to hang around tropical beaches ... the other one's a Dodo -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What does a Jehovah's witness and the bloke who killed Dando have in common? They both stand on your doorstep and do your head in. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Did you hear a terrorist group has claimed responsibility for Jill Dando's murder? It was Combat 18 - 30 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How did Jill look best on tv? In a tight shot. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why can't you take Jill Dando for a drink? One shot and she's on the floor. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What's got more brains than Jill Dando? Her doorstep! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What's the difference between Jill Dando and Danny Baker? Danny Baker survived the Doorstep challenge. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What does Jill and the Milkman have in common? They both leave four pints on the doorstep! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Jill Dando is to star in a film next week… No weddings and a funeral! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What does Jill Dando and Oliver Reed have in common? They both had one shot too many -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Recycled Joke Alert!!! What colour were Jill Dando's eyes? Blue. One blew to the left, the other blew to the right! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What's got four legs and is starving? Jill Dando's cat. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What goes 'clink, clink, clink, BANG' Jill Dando putting out her milk bottles. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Knock Knock Whose There? B A N G ! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Jill gets engaged to a gynecologist... Next thing she's f*cked! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How did Jill get into the ambulance? With a vacuum cleaner! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What's the difference between Jill Dando and a Prostitute? You can shoot in a prostitutes face as many times as you want. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Jill Dando and John Lennon were sitting in heaven when there is a knock at the door... "You get that, " John tells Jill. "F*ck right off! .... Ive been caught like that before." said Jill "Oh go on ... "asks John so Jill gets up and answers it ... a bloke asks for Lennons autograph "F*ck right off! .... Ive been caught like that before" said John -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What has Diana and Jill got in common? Death by drugs ofcourse... Diana died from smack and Jill died from shooting up!! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What's red and got more brains than Jill? her front door!! |
| Submitted By: Anonymous... |
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