NickHemingway.com/Comedy - Free Jokes & Humour

Home | Newest Jokes | Funny Pictures | Funny Videos

Im The Winner!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim
during a holdup in Long Beach, California, would be robber James Elliot
did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel
and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.....

And now, the honorable mentions:

The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting
machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his
insurance company.The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of
its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a
finger. The chef's claim was approved.
*^*^*^*
A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during
a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had
taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
*^*^*^*
After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver
found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting
from Harare to beltway had escaped. Not wanting to admit his
incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone
waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the
mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very
excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't
discovered for 3 days.
*^*^*^*
An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head
wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the
injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how
close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
*^*^*^*
A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter,
and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the
man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which
the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk
and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash
he got from the drawer...$15. (If someone points a gun at you and
gives you money, is a crime committed?)

*^*^*^*
A thief burst into a Florida bank one day wearing a ski mask and
carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled, "FREEZE,
MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A ****-UP!" For a moment, everyone was
silent.Then the snickers started. The security guard completely lost it
and doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life, because he'd
been about to draw his gun. He couldn't have drawn and fired before the
thief got him. The thief ran away and is still at large. In memory of
the event, the banker later put a plaque on the wall engraved with the
words, "Freeze, mother-stickers, this is a ****-up!"

*^*^*^*
Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that
he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some
booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his
head at the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would be
thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window
was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

*^*^*^*
As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed
her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was
able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within
minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car
and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car
and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes,
officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

*^*^*^*
The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a
Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and
demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't
open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion
rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man,
frustrated, walked away.

*^*^*^*
A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER! When a man attempted to siphon
gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more
than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick
man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police
spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and
plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake.

The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was
the best laugh he'd ever had.

Submitted By: Sandy Hill