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| Q: How do you break a Bill Clinton supporter's finger? A: Punch him in the nose. Q: What does Jeffrey Dahmer's victims and The Clintons' hair styles have in common? A: They both look like the work of a butcher. Q: If The Clinton's were younger, do you think they would have known the Clampents? A: Possibly, Bill might have made Jethro's acquaintance in the 6th grade. Q: Why doesn't Hillary cut Bill's hair? A: He won't pay her $300. Q: What are the two worst things about Bill Clinton? A: His face. Q: What is the Arkansas state flower? A: Gennifer. Q: Know how to solve the Serbian/Bosnian problem in less than 48 hours? A: Put Janet Reno in charge. Q: What's the difference between a Bill Clinton and a carp? A: One's a scum sucking bottom feeder and the other's a fish. Q: What's the difference between Hillary Clinton and a pit bull? A: The pit bull doesn't carry a briefcase. Q: How does Bill Clinton say "I'm about to hurt you"? A: "Trust me." Q: What is the difference between Dan Quayle, Bill Clinton and Jane Fonda? A: Jane Fonda went to Vietnam. Q: How can you tell Bill Clinton apart from a cow? A: By the wise look in the eyes. Q: How can you tell Bill Clinton from a bunch of dead bodies? A: He's the stiff one. Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Two--One to promise he'll do it better than anyone else and one to obscure the issues. Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None--He'll only promise "change." Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a lightbulb? A: He doesn't! He whines a while, says "I feel your pain", and gets congress to pass a billion dollar light security bill, and blames Republicans and special interests for not making lightbulbs free. Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year? A: Because they're sending their turkey to the White House! Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year? A: Because they can't afford any more pork. Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year? A: Reagan ate all the jellybeans. Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year? A: They've been having turkey for years. Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year? A: Because Clinton "invested" all the turkey. Q: What were Bill and Chelsea Clinton doing in the voting booth? A: Bill was giving his daughter a lesson in Civics, how to ruin the people! Q: What does Teddy Kennedy have that Bill Clinton wishes he did? A: A dead girlfriend. Q: What's the difference between Personal Injury lawyers and Congress? A: No fee--If No Recovery! Q: How did Bill and Hillary Clinton meet? A: They were dating the same girl in high school. Q: How can you tell when Bill Clinton is lying? A: Only a Bill Clinton supporter is too dumb to know the answer to this one. Q: How can you tell when Bill Clinton is telling a lie by looking at his face? A: If his lips are moving, then he's lying. Q: What do Bill Clinton and a fifteen-watt light bulb have in common? A: Neither one is very bright. Q: What does Clinton do to lose weight? A: Runs away from the draft. Q: How can you tell when Clinton is ready for battle [in Bosnia]? A: He's got his jogging suit on. Q: What's Clinton's favorite baseball team? A: The Dodgers. Q: What's Bill's fondest wish now? A: That someone would wave a hand at him using more than one finger. Q: What's a Clinton sandwich? A: Pure bologna piled high and deep. Q: Why do they always fly around a live turkey in a cage on Air Force 1? A: For spare parts. Q: Did you hear that the Clinton's had Air Force 1 remodeled? A: Now it's got two left wings. Q: Why is Bill Clinton called "middle of the road Democrat"? A: Because he's got a wide yellow stripe down the middle of his two-lane back. Q: Why is Bill Clinton's economic plan called positively atheist? A: Because it hasn't got a prayer. Q: If Bill and Hillary jumped together off the Washington monument, who'd land first? A: Who cares! Q: How did Bill Clinton get a crick in his neck? A: Trying to save both faces. Q: If Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, Al Gore, and Tipper took a boat ride and the boat capsized, who would be saved? A: The United States of America! Q: Why is Bill Clinton diverting federal funds from improving schools to improving jails? A: Because when his term is through, he won't be going to school. Q: Why does Chelsea look so stupid and ugly? A: Heredity. Q: Why did Bill and Hillary send Chelsea to a private school? A: If they sent her to a public school, the secret service would be out-gunned! Q: What do Clinton and JFK have in common? A: They haven't had any brains for the last thirty years. Q: What happened when Bill Clinton got a shot of testosterone? A: He turned into Hillary! Q: Did you hear Chrysler is introducing a new car to commemorate President Clinton's election? A: It's gonna be called the Dodge Drafter! Q: Why does the secret service guard Hillary so closely? A: Because if something happens to her, Bill becomes President! Q: How many Clinton administration officials does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two--one to screw the bulb into the water faucet while the other tells us that everything possible is being done to help the situation. Q: How many republicans does it take to raise your taxes? A: None. The democrats do that. Q: How many republicans does it take to disarm the law abiding public so that the government can enforce totalitarianistic and unconstitutional laws? A: None. The Sociali--Democrats do that. Q: How many Clinton White House officials does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None. They like to keep him in the dark! Q: Why do liberals travel in threes? A: One to read, one to write and the other one to keep an eye on both intellectuals. Q: What kind of neckwear does Hillary Clinton look best in? A: A noose. Q: What kind of jewelry does Hillary look best in? A: Handcuffs. Q: What Biblical and Renaissance characters does Hillary most resemble? A: Jezebel and Lucretia Borgia. Q: What's the best place to photograph Clinton Administration officials? A: A police lineup. Q: What's a conservative? A: A liberal who made it through adolescence. Q: What is a conservative? A: A liberal who's been mugged. Q: What do you get when you cross a crooked lawyer with a crooked politician? A: Chelsea. Q: You know what the problem with political jokes is, don't you? A: They get elected. Q: What famouse Arkansas State Supreme Court decision is Hilary Clinton famous for? A: If you divorce your wife in Arkansas, is she still your cousin? Q: Why is Chelsea Clinton a miracle child? A: Because lawyers use their personalities for birth control. Q: Why did Bill Clinton cross the road? A: To tax the chicken. Q: Why can't Bill Clinton file a defamation of character suit against his critics? A: Because Bill Clinton has no character to defame. Q: If called to testify in a trial how long will it before before Clinton commits perjury? A: When he's sworn in. Q: How many helicopters does it take for White House aides to go play a round of golf? A: Depends on how many were photographed. Q: Why did Bill Clinton cross the road? A: To meet the chick. Q: How are Boris Becker and President Clinton alike? A: Both aren't as successful when they're not on grass. Q: Did you hear they put two new faces on Mt. Rushmore? A: Yeah, they were Bill Clinton. Q: Did you know that Clinton's cat can play Chess? A: Inside Information: The cat isn't really all that good at Chess. The last time they played best of five, Clinton won three games to two. Q: Who would become President of the U.S.A if the President died? A: Bill Clinton of course! Q: How does Bill Clinton change a light bulb? A: He doesn't. He whines a while, says "I feel your pain", and gets congress to pass a billion dollar light security bill, and blames republicans and special interests for not making lightbulbs free. Q: What do the Republicans have that Bill Clinton wishes he had? A: A mandate to govern. Q: How can you tell that the guy who attacked the White house with a plane was insane? A: He seems to have thought Clinton would be in his own bedroom at night. Q: What did Hillary tell Bill when the Paula Jones story broke? A: "You idiot! I told you to let Teddy Kennedy drive her home! Q: What did Boris Yelstin say when asked if meeting Clinton made want to convert Russia to the type of government they have in America? A: "Never! I'm not going to let my wife run the country!!" Q: Why doesn't Bill like old houses? A: He's afraid of the draft. Q: What's the differents between Bill Clinton and an elephant? A: About 20 pounds and a jogging suit. Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and David Koresh? A: Koresh only burned 85 people. Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and David Koresh? A: Some people still believe in David Koresh. Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and Joseph Stalin? A: Some of Stalin's subjects admired him. Q: How many Hillary Clintons does it take to change a light bulb? A: One--she just holds the bulb and the world revolves around her. Q: What's the difference between Janet Reno and a school bus driver? A: The bus driver stops to let the kids out. Q: How does Bill keep Gennifer Flowers away from the White House? A: He keeps offering to send Ted Kennedy over to give her a ride. Q: When will there be a woman in the White House? A: When Hillary leaves town. Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a container of yogurt? A: Yogurt has culture. Q: What is the best thing that ever came out of Arkansas? A: Highway 55. Q: Why does Clinton always have a stupid grin on his face? A: He is stupid! Q: Why is Clinton prone to losing his voice? A: He keeps having to eat his words. Q: How do you know when a liberal is really dead? A: His heart stops bleeding. Q: How does Al Gore spell potato? A: T-A-T-E-R. Q: Why is Chelsea growing up a confused child? A: Because dad can't keep his pants on and mom wants to wear them. Q: Why were there two presidential limousines in the inaugural parade? A: The first one held the real president while the second one contained the president's spouse, Bill Clinton. Q: How has Clinton made his cabinet look more like America? A: Many of them have sixth grade reading levels. Q: What is the difference between Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter? A: Jimmy Carter waited until after the inauguration to break his promises. Q: How do you spot Al Gore in a room full of secret service agents? A: He's the stiff one. Q: What were the three toughest years in Al Gore's life? A: Grade six. Q: If Rodham gets health care, Bentsen gets treasury, and Aspin gets defense, what does Gore get? A: Coffee. Q: What will Bill's favorite retail outlet be after his economic blueprint takes effect? A: Everything's $100. Q: What was the real purpose of Bill's college visit to Moscow? A: To study economics. Q: What is Clinton's plan to create thousands of small businesses? A: Take thousands of big businesses and wait four years. Q: Why is Bill infuriated with Chelsea's new private school? A: They broke family tradition by making her wear a uniform. Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter? A: It took Bill less than 100 days to botch a military mission. Q: Why did Bill go out to sea on an aircraft carrier? A: To promote off-shore drilling. Q: Why did Clinton choose Canada as the site for his summit with Yeltsin? A: So he could look up some college buddies who moved up there during the war. Q: What does Clinton have in common with his Hollywood pals? A: They all make a living by lying to people. Q: Why did the Davidians commit suicide? A: They were trying to keep up with the Joneses. Q: Why are there more jokes about Waco than Jonestown? A: The punch lines were too long in Jonestown. Q: What do a Wendy's Hamburger and the Waco compound have in common? A: They were both cooked by a guy named "Dave". Q: What is the only thing worse than an incompetent liberal President? A: A competent liberal President. Q: What is the first thing that President Clinton says after waking up? A: "Good morning, Bill." Q: What has Clinton done that no one has been able to do in the last 5 years? A: Unite the Republican Party. Q: Why did Clinton waffle on military action in Bosnia? A: His area of expertise is dodging armed conflict. Q: How many Democrats does it take to destroy a light bulb? A: None. They only know how to destroy the taxpayers. Q: When did Clinton's friends become sure that he had political ambitions? A: When he married outside of his family. Q: What does Bill Clinton have in common with former great Presidents? A: Absolutely nothing. Q: What is the difference between Bill Clinton and Elvis? A: Elvis was drafted and served proudly in the Army. Q: Why did the IRS recently audit Bill Clinton? A: Because he filed as head of the household. Q: How is Clinton's health care reform a lot like his haircut? A: It is a lot more expensive than it looks. Q: What is the difference between a liberal and a puppy? A: A puppy stops whining after it grows up. Q: Why were the Clintonites pushing the BTU Tax? A: Because they could spell it. Q: What is the basement where White House staffers work called? A: The whine cellar. Q: Why aren't Clinton White House staffers given coffee breaks? A: It takes too long to retrain them. Q: How can you identify a computer that has been in use at the Clinton White House? A: There is White-out on the screen. Q: How can you tell if it was a shared computer used by many staffers? A: There is writing on the White-out. Q: What is the difference between an intelligent liberal and Bigfoot? A: Bigfoot has been spotted. Q: How is Bill Clinton like a passive-restraint device? A: He is a bag of air that is not on the driver's side. Q: How is Bill like a character actor? A: When he shows character, he's acting. Q: What is Hillary's favorite holiday? A: Summer Solstice. Q: What do you get when you give Bill Clinton a penny for his thoughts? A: Change. Q: What do you get when you cross Bill Clinton with a gorilla? A: Who knows? There is only so much a gorilla can be forced to do. Q: What is Clinton's favorite war song? A: "Over Here" Q: What costume did Bill Clinton wear to a Halloween party that scared everyone to death? A: He came dressed as a two-term president. Q: Why is Perot's wife glad he didn't get elected? A: If he won, they would have to move to a smaller house in a bad neighborhood. Q: What is the difference between liberalism and socialism? A: Socialism is dead. Q: What is the difference between Clinton's health care plan and a kidney stone? A: A kidney stone is easier to pass. Q: What is the difference between Hitler and Bill Clinton? A: Hitler intended to deliver on his speeches. Q: What is the difference between the U.S. and the former USSR? A: The U.S. still has a Communist Party in power. Q: What does Clinton need to stop the white water? A: A water gate. Q: Why are they renaming Arkansas Highway 50 the "Bill Clinton Highway?" A: The road is crooked, slick, and has a yellow stripe down the middle. Q: What do Hillary Clinton and the Dallas Cowboys have in common? A: They both dominate Bills. Q: What is the difference between TV characters Dan and Roseanne Conner and the Clintons? A: The Conners own their own home. Q: What is the difference between Whitewater and Watergate? A: No one died in Watergate. Q: What is Hillary's new nickname after her latest hairstyle? A: Oldielocks. Q: What are the administration's favorite words in foreign policy? A: We have not ruled out military force. Q: What would one get with a donation to Rostenkowski's legal fund? A: A free stamp. Q: Why are staff cuts so difficult for Clinton? A: He can't give a woman a pink slip without asking her to try it on first. Q: Which of the following does not belong: AIDS, gonorrhea, herpes, or Bill Clinton? A: Gonorrhea--it can be cured. Q: Why was Roger Clinton's wedding delayed 5 days? A: The bride's father had to wait 5 days to buy the shotgun. Q: How are Congressmen and baseball players alike? A: They are millionaires who work 3 hours a day and left in August not finishing what they had started. Q: Why did the chicken cross the Atlantic? A: To attend D-Day celebrations. Q: What do you get when you cross Bill Clinton and James Dean? A: A man without a clue. Q: How did we know long before the Haiti invasion that Clinton was planning to go to war? A: He visited Oxford. Q: How is Bill Clinton like an unemployed school teacher? A: No class and no principals. Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a pickpocket? A: A pickpocket snatches watches. Q: What does Hillary have in common with the city of Buffalo? A: They both have Bills that are losers. Q: Why does the Clinton administration want to reinvent government? A: They are having a lot of trouble dealing with the existing form...democracy. Q: Who should Clinton have used to overthrow Haiti's military? A: John Elway. Q: Why is Clinton so interested in events in the Middle East? A: He thinks the Gaza Strip is a topless bar. Q: Why does Hillary think her husband is a model president? A: Because a model is a small imitation of the real thing. Q: What does Hillary Clinton have in common with Gerald Ford? A: They both became president without being elected. Q: What's the difference between the Waco ATF and Bill Clinton? A: BIll Clinton burned 260,000,000 people. Q: What do call someone who sees the glass in front of him half full? A: An optimist. Q: Well, then what do you call someone who sees the glass in front of him as half empty? A: Teddy Kennedy. Q: What did Teddy Kennedy say when he heard of JFK's assassination? A: He couldn't have been shot in the temple! We're not Jewish! Q: Why did Ted Kennedy spend four hours in the voting booth? A: He thought he was in a confessional. Q: Why did the Clintons switch from MCI to AT&T? A: They didn't have enough friends left to make a calling circle. Q: What's the difference between President Hoover and Clinton? A: One promised a chicken in every pot and the other was an unpromising chicken who smoked pot. Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? A: To get away from Bill Clinton. Q: What's the difference between Clinton and Christopher Reeve? A: Clinton is dead from the neck up. Q: Where are the two biggest airbags located? A: The White House. Q: Who was the first liberal Democrat? A: Christopher Columbus. He left not knowing where he was going, got there not knowing where he was, left not knowing where he'd been, and did it all on borrowed money. Q: Did you hear that someone threw a bottle of beer at Clinton? A: Yes, but it's ok. It was a Draft and he was able to dodge it. Q: What's Bill Clinton's least expensive hobby? A: To sit in the Oval Office and collect dust. Q: Did you hear that Tyson Foods has genetically engineered a new breed of chicken and named it in honor of Bill Clinton? A: It's a brainless, spineless, tar-and-feathers yellow chicken. Q: Why is Bill Clinton the living proof of reincarnation? A: Because no one could get this stupid in one lifetime. Q: Do you know why Clinton gave the Federal employees the day off on Wednesday? A: It was Secretaries' Day and he was too cheap to buy his a present! Q: What's a word for Clintons '92 campaign A: A snow job. Q: What will you get if Clinton's health bill passes? A: No Job. Q: How many Democrats does it take to change a lightbulb? A: It's irrelevant; they still don't know they're in the dark! Q: What's the best job a dumb blonde ever had? A: Vice-president of the United States. Q: Have you heard about the new Bill Clinton doll? A: You pull a little ring and it never tells the same story twice! Q: What do Hillary Clinton and Marie Antoinette have in common? A: Nothing . . . yet. Q: Why does Hillary Clinton often wear turtle necks when attending Bill's speaking engagements? A: So you can't see her adam's apple move as he speaks. Q: What's Clinton doing to make Americans happy? A: If you've paid your tax bill and have enough money left to feed your family--you're happy. |
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