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40 Tips for Guys

1) NOT KISSING FIRST. Avoiding her lips and diving straight
for the erogenous zones makes her feel like you're paying by the
hour and trying to get your money's worth by cutting out
nonessentials. A properly passionate kiss is the ultimate form of foreplay.
2) BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR. Admit it, some kid at school
told you girls love this. Well, there's a difference between being
erotic and blowing as if you're trying to extinguish the candles on
your 50th birthday cake. That hurts.
3) NOT SHAVING. You often forget you have a porcupine strapped
to your chin which you rake repeatedly across your partner's face and
thighs. When she turns her head from side to side, it's not passion,
it's avoidance.
4) SQUEEZING HER BREAST. Most men act like a housewife
testing a melon for ripeness when they get their hand on a pair.
Stroke, caress, and smooth them.
5) BITING HER NIPPLES. Why do men fasten onto a woman's
nipples, then clamp down like they're trying to deflate her body via
her breasts? Nipples are highly sensitive. They can't stand up to
chewing. Lick and suck them gently. Flicking your tongue across
them is good. Pretending they're a doggie toy isn't.
6) TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES. Stop doing that thing where you
twiddle the nipples between finger and thumb like you're trying to
find a radio station in a hilly area. Focus on the whole breasts,
not just the exclamation points.
7) IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY. A woman is not a
highway with just three turnoffs: Breast Ville East and West, and
the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body which you've
ignored far too often as you go bombing straight into downtown
Vagina. So start paying them some attention.
8) GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED. Poor manual dexterity in the
underskirt region can result in tangled fingers and underpants. If
you're going to be that aggressive, just ask her to take the damn things off.
9) LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT. Condom disposal is the man's
responsibility. You wore it, you store it.
10) ATTACKING THE CLITORIS. Direct pressure is very unpleasant,
so gently rotate your fingers along side of the clitoris.
11) STOPPING FOR A BREAK. Women, unlike men, don't pick up
where they left off. If you stop, they plummet back to square one
very fast. If you can tell she's not there, keep going at all
costs, numb jaw or not.
12) UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY. Women hate looking stupid, but
stupid she will look when naked at the waist with a sweater stuck
over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant present, not a kid's toy.
13) GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY. Stroking her gently
through her panties can be very sexy. Pulling the material up
between her thighs and yanking it back and forth is not.
14) BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA. Although most men can find
the clitoris without maps, they still believe that the vagina is
where it's all at. No sooner is your hand down there than you're
trying to stuff stolen banknotes up a chimney. This is okay in
principle, but if you're not careful, it can hurt - so don't get
carried away. It's best to pay more attention to her clitoris and
the exterior of her vagina at first, then gently slip a finger
inside her and see if she likes it.
15) MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY. You're attempting to give her a
sensual, relaxing massage to get her in the mood. Hands and
fingertips are okay; elbows and knees are not.
16) UNDRESSING PREMATURELY. Don't force the issue by stripping
before she's at least made some move toward getting your stuff off,
even if it's just undoing a couple of buttons.
17) TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST. A man in socks and underpants
is a at his worst. Lose the socks fist.
18) GOING TOO FAST. When you get to the p*nis-in-vagina
situation, the worst thing you can do is pump away like an
industrial power tool - she'll soon feel lie an assembly-line worker
made obsolete by your technology. Build up slowly, with clean,
straight, regular thrusts.
19) GOING TOO HARD. If you bash your great triangular hip
bones into her thigh or stomach, the pain is equal to two weeks of
horseback riding concentrated into a few seconds.
20) COMING TOO SOON. Every man's fear. With reason. If you
shoot before you see the whites of her eyes, make sure you have a
backup plan to ensure her pleasure too.
21) NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH. It may appear to you that humping
for an hour without climaxing is the mark of a sex god, but to her
it's more likely the mark of a numb vagina. At least buy some
intriguing wall hangings, so she has something to hold her interest
while you're playing Marathon Man.
22) ASKING IF SHE HAS COME. You really ought to be able to
tell. Most women make noise. But if you really don't know, don't ask
23) PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY. Don't act like a giant cat
at a saucer of milk. Get your whole mouth down there, and
concentrate on gently rotating or flicking your tongue on her clitoris.
24) NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN. Men persist in doing this until
she's eyeball-to-p*nis, hoping that it will lead very swiftly to
mouth-to-p*nis. All women hate this. It's about three steps from
being dragged to a cave by their hair. If you want her to use her
mouth, use yours; try talking seductively to her.
25) NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX. Sperm tastes like sea
water mixed with egg white. Not everybody likes it. When she's
performing oral sex, warn her before you come so she can do what's necessary.
26) MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO. Don't thrust. She'll do
all the moving during fellatio. You just lie there. And don't grab her head.
27) TAKING ETTIQUETTE ADIVE FROM PORN MOVIES. In X-rated
movies, women seem to love it when men ejaculate over them. In real
life, it just means more laundry to do.
28) MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES. Asking her to be on top
is fine. Lying there grunting while she does all the hard work is
not. Caress her gently, so that she doesn't feel quite so much like
the captain of a schooner. And let her have a rest.
29) ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.
This is how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow
directions. If you want to put it there, ask her first. And don't
think that being drunk is an excuse.
30) TAKING PICTURES. When a man says, "Can I take a photo of
you?" she'll hear the words "__to show my buddies." At least let
her have custody of them.
31) NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH. Imagination is anything from
drawing patterns on her back to pouring honey on her and licking it
off. Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy props; hot
candle wax and permanent dye are a no no.
32) SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINT HERS. There is no less erotic
noise. It's as sexy as a belching contest.
33) ARANGING HER IN STUPID POSES. If she wants to do advanced
yoga in bed, fine, but unless she's a Romanian gymnast, don't get
too ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a sexual partner with
snapped hamstrings.
34) LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE. Read this carefully: Anal
stimulation feels good for men because they have a prostate. Women do=n't
35) GIVING LOVE BITES. It is highly erotic to exert some
gentle suction on the sides of the neck, if you do it carefully. No
woman wants to have to wear turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks on end.
36) BARKING INSTRUCTIONS. Don't shout encouragement like a
coach with a megaphone. It's not a big turn-on.
37) TALKING DIRTY. It makes you sound like a lonely magazine
editor calling a 1-900 line. If she likes nasty talk, she'll let you know
38) NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES. You have to finish the job.
Keep on trying until you get it right, and she might even do the same for you.
39) SQUASHING HER. Men generally weigh more than women, so if
you lie on her a bit too heavily, she will turn blue.
40) THANKING HER. Never thank a woman for having sex with you.
Your bedroom is not a soup kitchen

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