NickHemingway.com/Comedy - Free Jokes & Humour

Home | Newest Jokes | Funny Pictures | Funny Videos

Answering Machine Messages

"My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your
name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished."

Narrator's voice:) "There Richard sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the
telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into veritable maelstrom of toilet
paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at incredible
speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain.
The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message."

"Hi. Now you say something."

"Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk
to it instead. Wait for the beep."

"Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?"

(From my Japanese friend in Toronto) "He-lo! This is Sa-to. If you leave
message, I call you soon. If you leave sexy message, I call sooner!"

"Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please
speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these
magnets."

"Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with
her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you want
anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the
phone."

"Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages.
My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are
clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their
picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and
they will get back to you."

"This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording
device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling,
and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your
call."

"Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me
a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."

"Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a
message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back."

"If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons
right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home
and it's safe to leave us a message."

(Direct approach:) "Who are you and what do you want?"

"You are growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very
sleepy now. You are gradually losing your will power and your ability to
resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly
compelled to leave your name, number, and a message."

"You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns
are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is
done, our computers will be able to use the sound of your voice for
literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge
for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional
extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the
benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment.
Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you."

"Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent.
Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us."

"Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right
now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it
up and down, and I like doing it left to right . . . real slowly. So leave
a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you."

Submitted By: Anonymous...