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New Microsoft OS
 
REDMOND, WA, October 2, 2002
Microsoft Corporation announced today the development of a new operating system for business systems. The new operating system, code name "Beast" (formerly Longhorn) is set for release in late 2004, according to Microsoft spokesperson Tanya Hyde, "The new operating system will allow creation of complicated business services, leveraging existing Microsoft components and enabling cross platform compatability, using a maximum of system resources".
The "Beast" OS will rely heavily on local system resources, so much so that users may find system resources unavailable for extended periods of time. This "blackout time" is touted as a "feature" (previously unavailable on most Microsoft operating systems without special service packs from Microsoft), enabling developers and users to spend more time interfacing with each other and building strong interpersonal relationships over a cup of coffee in the breakroom.
"This strong sense of community will go a long way towards easing tensions between managers, users, and developers", says Mit Netso, coordinator for testing on Beast OS. "We've already had users report receiving the Blue Screen of Death as soon as they logon. That's a sure sign that MS Beast is working."
The next generation of Office, nicknamed Office Beast, will coincide with the release of the new OS. In addition to the normal Office suite of products, Office Beast promises a semi-sentient garbage collection utility that will manage any remaining system resources. The utility will be responsible for removing any undesired files or programs, based on a new RA (Random Act) algorithm developed specifically for Office Beast. Microsoft hopes the new utility will spur industry interest by providing a unique alternative for configuration management.
Despite a track record for delaying software releases, Microsoft held strong to it's statement that MS Beast and Office Beast will be delivered on time, contending that MS Beast is a different breed of OS that can be developed faster and more reliably than a traditional OS.
"In fact,", says Tanya Hyde, "be prepared for the beta release of Beast, labeled Sasquatch, to be made available to remote Microsoft solution partners in Washington, Oregon, and parts of British Columbia within the next year".

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