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Darwin Awards [1999]

These awards are given each year to bestow upon (the remains of) that individual, who through single-minded self-sacrifice, has done the most to remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool.

1999 Darwin Award Nominees

(08 March 1999, Kenya) A middle-aged thief sat quietly through the Sunday service at All Saints Cathedral in Nairobi. But when the offering basket was passed, fellow worshippers were astonished to see him stashing handfuls of the money in his pockets. Realizing he had been spotted, the thief fled from the church and onto a busy highway, where a speeding bus killed him. The cause of death? An act of God. The moral? Don't annoy the ruler of the universe, or you just may wind up a Darwin Award.

(8 February 1999, Georgia) Fred Brooks of Forest Park, a 46 year old plumber seeking employment, used shovels to remove a manhole cover on a street and entered the aperture. In Fred's haste to identify the source of a sewer blockage, he neglected to set orange warning cones. Upon exiting the manhole, he was struck by the undercarriage of an oncoming car, and was killed.

(28 January 1999, England) A flock of sheep charged a well-meaning British farmer's wife and pushed her over a cliff to her death. Betty, 67, was charged by dozens of sheep after she brought them a bale of hay on the back of a power bike. The sheep rushed forward and rammed the vehicle, knocking Betty and her bike over the edge of a vacant quarry near Durham. "I saw the sheep surround the bike. The next thing she was tumbling down the incline," a neighbor told reporters. Her husband is being comforted by friends.

(10 April 1999, New York) Perhaps, as people get older, some folks really should retire from their careers, or so it would seem for one 55-year old burglar. You see, Terrence found new meaning in the term "Hanging around late at the bar" when he never returned home one night. It turned out that he was actually trying to break through the roof's window of a shop, called the Dum Dum Boutique -- a catchy name for a clothing shop -- by bending back bars on the window. From this vantage point, he made a commanding move, and jumped into the store through this hole. Unfortunately, his sweater apparently didn't like all that fashion, and, refusing to join him, caught on one of the bent bars, which subsequently strangled him to death. He was found dead at the scene on Saturday morning.

(25 April 1999, Craigie Australia) Darren John Cowley was trying to break into a neighbor's house as safely and unobtrusively as possible when he wrapped his jacket around his arm and bashed in the window. But the jagged shards tore through the protective cloth and severed an artery in his arm. The 32-year-old stumbled away from the house and through a park and collapsed 800 meters away from the crime scene.

The home owner returned from a nightclub early that morning to find a broken window, a bloody jacket, and a trail of blood. He searched the jacket and found that it belonged to an acquaintance who he recalled seeing at a tavern on Friday. He telephoned a friend and they drove to the perpetrator's house to give him a stern reprimand.

When they arrived, they spotted him sleeping in the park nearby. As they approached him, they recognized with alarm noted a trail of blood and his nearly-severed arm, and realized that it was too late to lecture him. He had bled to death.

Next time try wrapping your arm in a Kevlar bullet-proof vest, Darren!

(5 March 1999, England) Christopher Piper arrived at his Fleet, Hampshire home on Friday night with a case of beer. "He drank a quantity of the beer," his wife Jaqueline, said, "and then started smoking." Was he suicidal or simply stupid?
His drinking binge progressed. At some stage of inebriation, Jaqueline observed him clumsily attempting to fill his lighter, spilling the flammable liquid on his jumper. She warned him that he was being silly, and she didn't mean amusing. He paid her little heed.

The 35-year-old man flicked his lighter experimentally, then gave in to his pyromaniac tendencies, and began trying to burn his trousers. As a side effect, he set his fuel-soaked jumper ablaze, turning into a fireball in his own living room!
If you should be so unfortunate as to find yourself ablaze, remember to drop and roll to suffocate the flames.
Christopher did not drop and roll. He flailed in terror and dove from the window into the street, setting fire to curtains and a BMW parked nearby as he attempted to beat out the flames with his hands. His efforts added more oxygen to the combustion, and the flames grew higher.

A neighbor mistook the blaze for a bonfire, but quickly realized that it was a burning man. He rushed from his home and attempted to suffocate the fire with bath towels, to no avail.

The fuel-fed fire was so hot that it burnt virtually every inch of Christopher's body, all save the soles of his feet. He died shortly after arriving at Frimley Park Hospital in Surrey. The verdict at the Hampshire inquest was accidental death.

(21 March 1999, Bucharest) First division Romanian soccer midfielder Mario Bugeanu, 24, and Mirela Iancu, 23, couldn't wait to make love on Sunday. As soon as the car was parked, they consummated their passion. They died from carbon monoxide poisoning shortly thereafter, inside the vehicle they left running in the garage during their liaison.
The couple was discovered by Mario's father Monday morning. "They appeared to be unaware of the dangers of carbon monoxide," police colonel Dumitru Secrieru said.
(9 May 1999, Mexico) A young Mexican couple were found dead in the back of a hearse. Jose, 23, employed by the Perez Diaz funeral home in Campeche, met Ana Maria on Saturday for a romantic tryst in his hearse. He parked in a warehouse and left the engine running to provide air conditioning.
In the enclosed location, the carbon monoxide-laden exhaust fumes seeped into the vehicle, fatally poisoning the couple. Their bodies were found when Ana Maria's mother initiated a search for her missing daughter.

(18 April 1999, Germany) A sword swallower died in Bonn after he put an umbrella down his throat - and accidentally pushed the button that opened it.

(15 July 1999, San Francisco) A drunken 20-year old woman was standing next to the railroad tracks intending to flash her breasts at the engineer. As the train swept past, the draft swept her off her feet and under the train, breaking her elbows. She was charged with a misdemeanor, and died several days later in the hospital.

(25 May 1999, Ukraine) A fisherman in Kiev electrocuted himself while fishing in the river Tereblya. The 43-year-old man connected cables to the main power supply of his home, and trailed the end into the river. The electric shock killed the fish, which floated belly-up to the top of the water. The man waded in to collect his catch, neglecting to remove the live wire, and tragically suffered the same fate as the fish.

In an ironic twist, the man was fishing for a mourning meal to commemorate the first anniversary of his mother-in-law's death.

In a related story, on January 9 the China Post reported that a 23-year-old Pingtung man died after eating fish he poisoned in a nearby ditch. Three days of diarrhea and vomiting led to his demise after he ate fish he caught by pouring toxic chemicals in the water at the suggestion of friends.

(16 April 1999, Washington D.C.) We can thank our lucky stars that there are two fewer paramedics around. Carol and Mark were found dead in their suburban home by Mark's 14-year-old son. The couple were wearing respiratory masks attached to an empty canister of nitrous oxide.
Nitrous oxide, commonly known as laughing gas, produces a short-lived high, and is often used as a relaxant in dental offices and outpatient clinics. Like every other pure gas, it must be mixed with air or oxygen, lest it cause suffocation. Needless to say, Carol and Mark did not mix the nitrous oxide with air.
What makes this story a true Darwin Award candidate is that both of the deceased had enough medical training to have known better. Mark was a 10-year veteran paramedic with the District of Columbia Fire Department. Carol was studying to become an emergency medical technician in a suburban fire department.
Even more amusing is a quote from the Washington D.C. Fire Department's public information officer, who said that Mark was "one of the most educated and highly trained people we had." That must alleviate the concerns of thousands of D.C. residents!

(May 1999, Thailand) A man known for his snake catching and charming skills was called to a neighbor's home. They needed an emergency exorcism of a python, which had invaded their dwelling. Hie, 55, rushed into the house in the northern provoke of Uttaradit, and emerged victorious with the snake held aloft in a burlap sack.

He was walking home with the snake, when villagers ran into him and asked to see the python. He pulled the snake from the sack and boldly wrapped it around his neck. The wild python, a five-foot-long coil of solid muscle, constricted around him and began to strangle him.

He screamed for help vainly, for the petrified villagers were afraid to approach the serpent. Within minutes, Hie fell to the ground dead. Local policemen forcibly unwrapped the snake from his neck and placed it in captivity.

(May 1999, Spain) Two German tourists were enjoying the last day of vacation at Safari Park, a wild game park in Alacant. Safari Park is a controlled reserve hosting a variety of wild animals living in natural habitats. Visitors driving through the park are cautioned not to open the windows, and to remain within their vehicle at all times. Frequent warning signs were posted in many languages, including German.
While driving through a tiger grotto, Willhelm and his companion parked the car, emerged from it for reasons that are unclear, and locked the doors behind them. They were set upon by three Bengal tigers lurking in the brush nearby. The big cats, two males and a female 10 to 12 years old, pounced on the unfortunate couple, breaking their necks and quickly silencing their screams.

Security guards rushed to the scene, arriving to find the woman beheaded and the man disemboweled.

(19 June 1999) It was a warm summer night in Amsterdam. An Italian resident was in the habit of sleeping in the open air during sweltering summer nights. This hot night, he climbed onto the roof of his apartment and arranged a comfortable bed. He fell asleep on his blanket, and then he fell to his death. Lucky we are, says a native Amsterdam resident, that our summers are often cold and rainy.

(16 August 1999, Germany) A hunter from Bad Urach was shot dead by his own dog on Monday. The 51-year-old man was found sprawled next to his car in the Black Forest. A gun barrel was pointing out the window, and his bereaved dog was howling inside the car. The animal is presumed to have pressed the trigger with its paw. Police have ruled out foul play. Since it happened in a hunting preserve, does the dog get the head mounted on a wall in its doghouse?

(1991, Nicosia, Cyprus) Under similar circumstances, an Iranian hunter was shot to death near Tehran by a snake that coiled around his shotgun as he pinned the reptile to the ground. Another hunter reported that that the victim, named Ali, tried to catch the snake alive by pressing the butt of his shotgun behind its head. The snake coiled around the butt and pulled the trigger, shooting Ali in the head.

(4 September 1999, Tokyo, Japan) Shoshi was a part-time janitor until his eagerness to do a good job collided with an unhealthy inability to attend to his own safety. The elevator he was cleaning had water leaking from its ceiling, so he rode a second elevator up the shaft, climbed out its hidden side door, and hopped on top of the first elevator. As he cleaned the puddle from the roof, the car rose to the top floor, fatally crushing him. The 24-year-old had forgotten to turn off the leaking elevator before wiping up the spill, leaving the roof messier than before.

(June 1999, Delaware) Fifteen snakes were found in the vicinity of a decomposed body in Stanton on Tuesday. A neighbor complained about the smell, which led the discovery of eight rattlesnakes, two cobras, and the 3-day-old corpse.
The 45-year-old owner of the reptiles was found 10 feet from the open cage of a young Diamondback rattler. Apparently the man was feeding the snake when he was terminally bitten. Residents of the apartments were evacuated by the Delaware Animal Rescue team while a search was conducted for missing serpents.

Neighbors said they had no idea that the weird loner kept poisonous snakes. One neighbor named Leroy claimed, "The snake was standing straight up as it turned toward me. It was a cobra."

The SPCA notes that it's legal to keep deadly snakes, provided you apply for a permit.

(5 July 1999, Maine) An internet romance blossomed then faded, after a Missouri man traveled to Maine to meet his destiny. In a bizarre merging of "You've Got Mail" with "Texas Chainsaw Massacre," James swung a chainsaw and severed his own neck, in a futile effort to prove his love to the woman who had spurned his face-to-face romance.

He began his relationship with "Beth" over the internet a year ago, and moved from Missouri to Topsham, Maine on June 23 to further the affair. Instead, she insisted upon ending the relationship. Distraught, James drove to her house on River Road, knocked on the door, and asked her adult son to get his mother. The son refused and locked all the doors. James pulled a chainsaw from his trunk, stood on the lawn, and performed his macho act in a vain attempt to impress the depth of his feelings upon the woman.

Police arrived to find him barely alive. "There was blood all over. I couldn't see where the wound was," explained William Robbins of the Sagadahoc County Sheriff's Department. James died in the hospital shortly thereafter.

Debra, a friend of the deceased, believes that "Beth" abused James' affection. "He spent thousands of dollars on calls, email, computers," she said, "and also helped that woman pay her bills." Debra received a desperate phone call just hours before he took his life. She reported that he begged, "Tell me you forgive me." She did, and then the phone went dead. She attempted to alert authorities but had insufficient information regarding his whereabouts.

James had attempted suicide five years earlier, and had seemingly recovered his equilibrium. He purchased the chainsaw in Maine a week prior to his sensational death.

One last oddity: James has two brothers also named James, and the three are distinguished by middle names. Is this clear sign of parental lunacy a coincidence, or the cause of his insanity? You be the judge!

(10 July 1999, California) A Yosemite hiker with sore feet stopped to cool his heels in the Merced River, slipped on algae-covered rocks, and was swept over a 594-foot waterfall to his death. Siddiq was climbing Half Dome with three friends on Saturday when his poor choice of rest stops cost him his life.
Signs posted at the falls clearly state, "If you go in the water, you will die." Not only are these warnings displayed in several languages, but they even show a stick figure falling over the edge.

But Siddiq paid no heed to the warnings. As he was carried over the Nevada Falls, his friends were already calling authorities for help from their cell phones. But help could not arrive in time. Rangers recovered Siddiq's body by helicopter a few hours later.

Siddiq is the fourth person to die at Nevada Fall in the last five years, park spokeswoman Christine Cowles said.

(15 July 1999, Alabama) A 25-year-old soldier died of injuries sustained from a 3-story fall, precipitated by his attempt to win a high-altitude spitting contest. He was so intent on victory (and so drunk) that he attempted to employ a hitherto-untested technique. He backed away from the window, then hurled himself towards the metal guardrail while expectorating, in order to add momentum to his saliva. In a tragic miscalculation, his momentum carried him right over the railing, which he caught hold of for a fleeting moment before his grip slipped, sending him plummeting 24 feet to the concrete below. The military specialist had a blood alcohol content of 0.14%, impairing his judgment and paving the way for his opportunity to win a Darwin Award. There is no report on the status of the payload he expelled into the night sky.

(20 June 1999, Seattle, Washington) Scenic cliffs abound on the slopes of Mount Rainier, and falling deaths are common on the 14,411-foot dormant volcano. But that didn't deter one snowboarder, who declined a ranger's invitation to join a group he was escorting safely down the mountain.
William left 10,000-foot Camp Muir and set out to conquer the unfamiliar terrain without cold weather clothing or survival gear. The lone man disappeared into the heavy fog and drizzle, blundered over a waterfall, and landed at the edge of the Nisqually Glacier 4000 feet below his starting point.

The body of the 28-year-old doctor was found beneath the waterfall two years later by Mount Rainier National Park rangers searching for missing climbers, who were rescued unhurt. "We knew he was gone," William's father said. "It would have been wonderful if he [had] remained as part of the mountain."

(16 July 1999, Utah) A paraglider from Riverton turned into a parasailor, and dropped into the Murdoch Canal near Lehi in Utah County on Monday evening. Craig's parachute filled with water, and he was unable to escape as he was dragged towards a siphon on the east side of the canal, sucked under the I-15 freeway, and eventually pinned against a grate 400 feet downstream. An employee found his body for the Provo Water Users Association. Who knew that one of the dangers of paragliding is drowning?

(15 July 1999, Tennessee) Seven firefighters from the Sequoyah Volunteer Fire Department, located in rural Hamilton County north of Chattanooga, decided to impress their Chief by surreptitiously setting fire to a house, then heroically extinguishing the blaze. The men apparently hatched the plan in order to help Daniel, a former firefighter, return to duty.
Unfortunately, Daniel's career plans were irreversibly snuffed when he became trapped while pouring gasoline inside the house. Surrounded by smoke and flames, he was unable to escape, and died inside the burning house on June 26.

His six accomplices are facing 87 years in prison for conspiracy, arson, and burglary.

Do not wiggle out of a roller coaster.
(23 August 1999, Virginia) A New York student was killed Monday while riding in a stand-up roller coaster called Shockwave at Paramount Kings Dominion amusement park just north of Richmond. A spokeswoman for the park said that although the rider was not in the train when it returned to the station, the restraint system had not failed, nor was human error a factor. Rider misconduct was suspected.

The 2-minute Shockwave coaster carries passengers through a loop, a side spiral, and an inverted loop. Passengers straddle a bicycle-style seat, with their feet firmly on the platform.

An investigation revealed that the youth had engineered his own death by wriggling out of the harness so he could raise his hands in the air. During the first loop, his unrestrained body was thrown from the car to a catwalk, were they found him dead from a massive head wound.

I guess you could say he had the thrill of his life.

Do not duck under a roller coaster.
(1998, California) Tales of roller-coaster accidents are the stuff of nightmares. It turns out that such tragedies are less common than folklore would have us believe. In "The Science of Roller Coasters," Ted Oehmke reveals that there have been "only 42 such deaths in the last 11 years."

It is tempting to dwell upon whether the number 42 is a coincidence, or just exceedingly improbable. At any rate, such a fate was suffered by one particularly unfortunate middle-aged gentleman on the Top Gun coaster at Great America.

The recipient of this Darwin Award lost his red baseball cap on the ride. It flew into an area under the coaster. As if the danger of ground directly beneath a speeding roller coaster was not self-evident, there were prominent "Restricted Area" signs every fifty feet. After exiting the platform, the man ignored both common sense and warning signs. He climbed two fences to retrieve his hat, only to lose his head when a passenger's foot kicked his neck and derailed his plans.

The woman broke her leg and lost her shoe, and is suing for damages.

(2 Aug 1999, Washington) Seattle Police Incident Report: On Saturday morning at 1:55AM, a 19 year old male was urinating off the freeway overpass on Pine Street when he lost his footing and fell approximately 45 feet to his death.

(August 1999) A 27-year-old man, bent on impressing three boys, dove into the ocean from an 80-foot cliff. He was knocked unconscious by the impact with the water. One of the boys, unimpressed, climbed down the cliff and dragged the man from the sea while his friends called for help. The impetuous man was airlifted from Skrinkle Haven to Withybush Hospital in Haverfordwest, where he was declared dead on arrival. Police reported that that the rescuer, an 11-year-old boy, acted very bravely. His 14-year-old comrades were also commended for their presence of mind.

(Illinois) This story has an ironic twist. Jim had an elderly mother whose driver's license was about to expire. She didn't want to lose her license, even though her response time was so slow that Jim knew she shouldn't be driving.
He decided not to argue with his mother, but to simply take her to an Illinois Driver Testing Facility, where she would undoubtedly fail the road test. And that would be that.

On the day of the test, he picked her up and drove her to the testing facility. It was a warm and sunny day. When their turn was called, he escorted his mother to the car and helped her inside. The driving evaluator began to climb into the passenger side.

At this point, Jim did something foolhardy.
He walked directly behind the car, and stood about 10 feet away from a brick wall. Standing behind a car is something that one should avoid even when there is a known GOOD driver in the car. His mother started the engine, stepped on the gas, and accidentally put the car into gear.

Reverse gear.

The evaluator suffered a broken arm. Poor Jim was not so lucky. He expired a few days later from internal injuries sustained in the accident. The Darwin Award goes not only to Jim, but also to his mother, who avoided passing on her own poor genes by killing her son. Perhaps Mother does know best.

This happened to my wife's cousin's husband Jim. We attended the funeral, but Jim's mother did not. To this day, she does not feel responsible for the accident, and says that it was Jim's own fault.

(Scotland) A 23-year-old painter was known by his friends as 'Death Wish' because of his reckless behaviour, which included smashing glasses on his forehead and swallowing keys and glass. The police described him as "of good health physically but of low intellect." He was generally regarded as a bit of a fool, and probably resorted to such tricks in an futile effort to increase his social standing.
Frequently, he would "swallow" a pool ball and then regurgitate it. The man had successfully performed this trick on many occasions, by keeping the pool ball at the back of his pharynx, or throat. This was possible because of the unique size of a pool ball.

One day, a typical day in many respects, he was seen consuming large quantities of draught lager. After closing time, the publican readmitted him to continue illegal drinking with his friends. As the evening dragged on, he was seen to place a cue ball in his mouth. He had done this so many times that his behaviour did not cause any concern. But this time, he found himself in difficulties. His friends tried to intervene, but he ran out of the pub and collapsed in the street, and began to blue. Neither his friends nor an ambulance crew were able to save his life.
What went wrong?
On this occasion, Death Wish had elected to swallow a cue ball. He wasn't aware that a cue ball has a physical property that makes it perfectly suited for lodging in a pharynx. A cue ball is smaller than a pool ball, so that it can be automatically recovered whenever it is potted. Unfortunately, our Darwin Award contender was oblivious to this fact. A cue ball is 4.75 cm in diameter, while pool balls are 5.03 cm. This small difference in diameter makes little difference in appearance. The beauty of this death, and the problem for Death Wish, is that a smaller diameter causes an exponentially lesser volume. A cue ball is 10.52 ml smaller than a pool ball.

In his efforts to prove he wasn't a fool, Death Wish disregarded common sense and simple mathematics, and lodged the cue ball in his pharynx.

In the research article which describes this mishap, there is a photo of the victim's dissected throat, complete with the lodged cue ball and a rather ugly protruding tongue.

(26 August 1999, Thailand) An elderly Buddhist monk and three of his followers died from spending hours in a homemade herbal sauna. Five other worshippers remain hospitalized in serious condition. The poorly constructed sauna had been assembled in a basement room in the Bungrasi Buddhist temple near Bangkok. The group spent two hours collapsing in the sauna before the 88-year-old monk crawled out to ask for help. Victims were rushed to a nearby hospital, where the monk and three women were pronounced dead. "An autopsy indicated that the victims had suffocated in the heat of the room, and died from smoke inhalation," a police spokesperson said.

(23 August 1999, Washington) This story sounds like an urban legend, but it's true. Rodney was jet skiing around Lake Washington, enjoying the sun and the power between his knees. Then he noticed that his battery was beginning to fail. He idled over to a dock near Juanita Beach Park and tied up his craft, then ran to the car for his battery charger. When he returned, he plugged the charger into a 110-volt outlet, and jumped onto his watercraft while holding the booster cable. Sizzle. He was found floating facedown beneath the dock later that evening.

(13 August 1999, Manila) A deadly explosion in the Philippines' National Bureau of Investigation was initially considered to be a terrorist act. But the ensuing investigation linked the event not to criminals, but to careless NBI agents smoking near a bucketful of TNT. The blast killed seven people, including the perpetrator, and demolished the NBI Special Investigation Division. Grenades and other explosives also detonated in the fire. Officials are considering charging the Division Chief with criminal negligence for failing to safeguard seized explosives. But it is the perpetrator, envisioned crushing out his cigarette in a pail of explosives, who wins a Darwin Award.

(11 August 1999) A 42-year-old man killed himself watching the eclipse while driving near Kaiserslautern, Germany. A witness driving behind him stated that the man was weaving back and forth as he concentrated on the partially occluded sun, when he suddenly accelerated and hit the bridge pier. He had apparently just donned his solar viewers, which are dark enough to totally obscure everything except the sun.

In Berlin, a 24-year-old victim of the eclipse was hospitalized with severe burns after he climbed a power pylon to get a good view and touched a 20,000-volt electricity cable. A 40-year-old Colombian man killed himself after shooting his wife. His suicide note stated that the August eclipse meant the end of the world. Note that Colombia was thousands of miles away from the path of totality.

Nostradamus foretold, "In the year 1999 and seven months, a large King of Fright will climb down from the sky." August was the seventh month of Nostradamus' calendar. Eclipses can be calculated centuries in advance. The king is a symbol for the sun. Therefore, the "King of Fright" refers to the shadow of the eclipse.

The King of Fright delivered these three men to the King of Death.

(13 August 1999, California) On Friday the 13th, Scott and his sister Kimberly had an electrifying experience while attempting to view the annual Perseid meteor shower. Scott, an aspiring young astronomer, set up his telescope for a closer view of the sky. Alas, poor Scott did not reflect on the merits of using a telescope for watching the Perseids.A telescope is really a hindrance. The wide field of vision of a naked eye will catch far more shooting stars than a telescope, particularly if that eye is taken away from from city lights into the desert or mountains.
Having already proven to be a poor astronomer, Scott proceeded to show that he was not much of an electrician, either. Bothered by the glare of a nearby streetlight, he broke into the base of the light pole and attempted to sever the 4000-volt power cord. He was pronounced dead at Hoag Memorial Hospital shortly after his spectacularly aborted skywatching attempt.

At 1AM on Friday, Scott used pliers to pry open an inspection plate at the base of the streetlight, then sawed into the 2-centimeter wire. Kimberly saw a flash knock him onto his back.
Scott had the technical know-how to construct a computer from scratch or wire a burglar alarm. "He was trying to solve a problem and not using his head, and he made a mistake," grieved the dead man's father. "He didn't realize the power."

A spokesman for Southern California Edison said, "This is another example of why you shouldn't tamper with electricity if you don't know what you're doing." A friend of Scott's remarked, "Scott had a itch for doing things with his hands. He has done many dangerous things. This time he made a fatal mistake." Another friend said, "Don't confuse bravery with stupidity."

There are no shooting stars for Scott this Friday the 13th, but he does have a shot at winning a Darwin Award.

(22 October 1999, California) Yosemite National Park bans parachuting from its majestic cliffs, citing the dangers inherent in practice. But those cliffs are too challenging for BASE jumpers to ignore. Every year, men and women surreptitiously prepare for daredevil plunges into the abyss. Every year, park rangers hunt them down, confiscate their gear, arrest them, and fine them $2000.

On this fateful day in evolutionary history, some activists arranged a parachuting demonstration to showcase the safety of BASE-jumping. A group of five climbed 3200-foot El Capitan Peak, while hundreds of people watched from below.

One by one, the parachutists jumped over the edge, pulled their ripcord, and floated safely to the valley floor. Until our candidate, a grandmother, an experienced skydiver with a borrowed parachute that she failed to examine, gave an astounding demonstration of the dangers inherent in sky diving. She leapt off the cliff and plummeted directly into the ground without deploying her parachute. Her death was captured on film by her traumatized husband.

Adventure Athletes had arranged the jumps with grudging cooperation from park officials, who were concerned for the safety of visitors in the vicinity of the drop zone. The protesters agreed to be arrested and fined after the jump, and have their equipment confiscated.

The deceased, a skydiver prominent in the extreme-sports community with numerous jumps under her belt, had been loath to part with her valuable equipment. She borrowed an inexpensive parachute with a ripcord on the leg, rather than the back, and because she didn't give the parachute a basic safety check, was unable to find the cord in mid-air. Placing financial considerations above safety concerns cost her life when she landed on a huge pile of talus at El Capitan's base.

BASE jumping (building, antenna, span, earth) is technically difficult because the jump-off point is close to the ground and is performed in tighter spaces. Six jumpers have died in Yosemite, including a parachutist who drowned in the Merced River on June 9th while eluding park rangers.

Her husband vows to continue the protest against the BASE-jumping ban, thus qualifying for an Honorable Mention.

(November 1999, California) The Darwin Hall of Shame Award goes to an Antioch mother and son allegedly involved in an incestuous relationship. The couple has a 22-month-old daughter, and the woman is pregnant with their second child. The 43-year-old woman and her 23-year-old son have apparently been romantically involved for several years.

Authorities became aware of the relationship when the woman's 10-year-old daughter told school officials she didn't want to live at home anymore because her mother wanted her to call her brother Daddy.
The woman told police that her live-in lover was not her son, but birth certificates confirm that they are related.

Officials are pursuing the case because of the elevated potential for genetic disorders in children born to blood relatives. "They're having children and it looks like they're not going to quit anytime soon," said Deputy District Attorney Paul Sequeira, who decided to pursue charges of felony incest. "That put me over the edge."

(2 November 1999, Tokyo) Platform shoes, a must-have fashion accessory for young Japanese women, have already claimed two lives. More deaths are predicted if young women continue to follow in their footsteps.

The first victim, a 25-year-old nursery-school teacher, died in her car after suffering a skull fracture from a fall from her 13-cm platform sandals earlier that day. The second victim was a passenger killed in a car crash when the vehicle hit a concrete pole. The driver, a 25-year-old office worker, was unable to hit the brake because her 8-cm heels got in the way.
With the soles of some shoes reaching as high as 30 cm, health experts are urging the public to take steps to prevent painful foot and back injuries. In light of recent tragedies, police are asking concerned citizens to warn fashion-minded friends and family before a platform shoe mishap befalls them.

"Il faut souffrir pour ętre belle." One must suffer to be beautiful... but fashion kills

(January 1999, England) Some people with nervous habits have good reason to be anxious. In January, a British teenager was rushed to hospital complaining of severe stomach pains. Surgeons who operated in a desperate - but unsuccessful - attempt to save her life were amazed to find a tangled mass of human hair the size of a football lodged in her abdomen.

Rachel, a 17-year-old hairdresser trainee, had been in the habit of chewing the ends of her tresses since early childhood. Specialist registrar Dr Andrew Stearman, of Poole General Hospital, Dorset, said: "The biochemical composition of hair makes it impossible for digestive juices in the stomach to break it down. It therefore accumulates, much like it builds up in the plughole of a bath or shower, attracting more hair and other food."

Recording a verdict of accidental death, Hastings coroner Alan Craze said: "This was something Rachel was doing from time to time by habit. She would have had the impression, if she had thought about it at all, that it was passing through her system. Unfortunately, it was not, and built to a massive size."

Bezoars can be made from almost anything, but are usually composed of hair. They are highly prized by shamans as protection against poisons.

Pathologist Nera Patel later measured the hairball - known as a trichobezoar - at 1 foot long, 10 inches wide and 4 inches thick. She said: "It was closely compacted and intertwined in the shape of a football. No one in our medical team had seen anything like it."

Rachel's mother Norma, who was shown a picture of the fatal obstruction, simply said: "It looked like a dead rat."

(10 August 1999) A man in a diabetic shock swerved off Route 2 in Lincoln, Massachusetts. His car plowed through a telephone pole and impacted a tree, where it burst into flames. Onlookers took him for dead, and were shocked to see him walk away from the crash unhurt. However, when he looked back and noticed that his car was on fire, he tried to put it out, and electrocuted himself on one of the high voltage power lines that had fallen when he hit the telephone pole.

Police in London, Ohio say a thief was killed while stealing tires from a Ford dealership. Employees found the body of Daniel Nolan, 47, when they arrived for work Monday morning. The jack holding up a truck slipped and crushed him.

Slovenia's state-run news agency reported the death of fisherman Franc Filipic, 47, who drowned after hooking a huge lake sheatfish and refusing to let go as he waded in and was pulled under. Friends reported his last words were "Now I've got him!" Divers found his body after a two-day search

In a delicious serving of poetic justice, RJ Reynolds, the founder of RJ Reynolds Tobacco Co., his son, RJ Reynolds II, and HIS son, RJ Reynolds III, all perished from lung cancer.

A 23-year-old bar-brawling man, who had been escorted out of the Turtle Club in Florida by a bouncer, sneaked back in and leaped off a staircase, trying to kick another man, but was killed when he landed on his head. The kick was ineffectual.

(August 1999, Australia) Drinking oneself to death need not be a long lingering process. Allan, a 33-year-old computer technician, showed his competitive spirit by dying of competitive spirits. A Sydney, Australia hotel bar held a drinking competition, known as Feral Friday, with a 100-minute time limit and a sliding point scale ranging from 1 point for beer to 8 points for hard liquor.

Allan stood and cheered his winning total of 236, (winners never quit!) which had also netted him the literally staggering blood alcohol level of .353 grams of alcohol per 100 ml of blood, 7 times greater than Australia's legal driving limit of 0.05%.

After several trips to the usual temple of overindulgence, the bathroom, Allan was helped back to his workplace to sleep it off, a condition that became permanent.

A forensic pharmacologist estimated that after downing 34 beers, 4 bourbons, and 17 shots of tequila within 1 hour and 40 minutes, his blood alcohol level would have been 0.41 to 0.43%, but Allan had vomited several times after the drinking stopped. The cost paid by Allan was much higher than that of the hotel, which was fined the equivalent of $13,100 US dollars for not intervening.

It is not known whether Allan required any further embalming.

(1999, England) Wayne wanted to make a few bucks by selling stolen scrap metal. He sneaked into a demolition site and surveyed the area for valuable hunks of debris. His eyes fastened upon what appeared to be a 3" thick copper pipe. That would fetch a fine fee! But it was too heavy for him to budge it.

He hauled a few lesser chunks of metal away, and returned with sturdy bolt cutters. It was then, when he attempted to sever the pipe, that he was shocked to discover that it was actually an aluminum cable carrying 11,000 volts of power. The paramedics who later tried to revive the electrified Wayne were thwarted by the current. He did not survive to be charged with his offences.

(1999, Nevada) A man was found dead in his Fallon, Nevada residence, an apparent victim of strangulation by of his 15ft Burmese Python. The man was handling his pet when the snake mistook his hand for dinner, clamped its jaws around it, and began constricting around his arm. Snakes are solid muscle, and a python this size is far more powerful than any mortal man. Once the snake begins to constrict, only a lever or a sharp knife can persuade the serpent to abandon its course of action. Knowing this, the owner had nevertheless failed to keep a tool handy.

The snake began swallowing his hand, and constricting around his body in an attempt to quell the spasms of the thrashing prey. The man instructed his hysterical wife, who was too scared to approach the snake, to call 911. But the authorities arrived too late. The snake had already constricted around its owner's chest and squeezed him breathless. It is to be hoped that the snake owner used his free arm to beat his helpless wife senseless before he died.

(09 Nov 1999, Mexico) A Mexican jail guard died from an excess of zeal while supervising an inmate's conjugal visit. Raul Zarate Diaz was closely watching his charge from the roof of the prison when he tripped over an air vent, crashed through the skylight, and fell 23 feet to land beside the bed where the inmate and his wife were, against all odds, enjoying an intimate moment. The interrupted prisoner, offended by the intrusion, attempted to start a riot, but was squelched by prison security.

Prisoners in the Tapachula facility reported that Diaz was in the habit of prowling the prison roof during conjugal visits, in search of prisoners to supervise. Local law enforcement reported that the guard was clutching a pornographic magazine, which was retained as evidence, and binoculars, whose sentimental value led to them being given back to the family of the deceased.

(24 November 1999, California) One particular group of Christians attempted to follow in Jesus' footsteps more literally than most. They worked to master the secret of walking on water. Diligently, day by day, the group tried to be closer to God by making a sincere effort to walk on water. These Christians continued their unorthodox practices until the leader of this small Los Angeles group unexpectedly died while practicing in his bathtub. His wife said James spent many hours trying to perfect the technique of walking on water, but had not yet mastered the ability. He apparently drowned after slipping on a bar of soap.

(1999) A US Navy safety publication describes injuries incurred while doing don't's. One page described the fate of a sailor playing with a multimeter in an unauthorized manner. He was curious about the resistance level of the human body. He had a Simpson 260 multimeter, a small unit powered by a 9-volt battery. That may not seem powerful enough to be dangerous but it can be deadly in the wrong hands.

The sailor took a probe in each hand to measure his bodily resistance from thumb to thumb. But the probes had sharp tips, and in his excitement he pressed his thumbs hard enough against the probes to break the skin. Once the salty conducting fluid known as blood was available, the current from the multimeter travelled right across the sailor's heart, disrupting the electrical regulation of his heartbeat. He died before he could record his Ohms.

The lesson? The Navy issues very few objects which are designed to be stuck into the human body.

(November 1999, Singapore) A bus full of excited children can drive anyone to the brink of madness. Perhaps the actions of one bus driver can be explained by his proximity to a herd of shrieking kids.

Xu, 41, was one of 13 tour drivers hired to escort a school tour through the Shanghai World Animals Park. His bus unexpectedly broke down as the convoy passed through a fenced tiger enclosure. You can imagine the hubbub this would cause among a group of students on a wild animal adventure. Needless to say, the park rules clearly forbid leaving the safety of the vehicle.

I can imagine a circumstance in which such a breakdown would be cause to panic. For instance, if you sneak into the park just before it closes in a convertible with a flimsy cloth covering, and you are accompanied by a date who is chomping rare steak, then waiting in the vehicle for rescue from the tigers would not be an attractive option. But a bus that is part of a convoy of school children is not in imminent danger of being abandoned to the tigers. Xu must have realized that help would come swiftly.

But instead of waiting inside, besieged by a clamor of children, he climbed out of the bus and began to re-attach the tow rope. A park manager witnessed the deadly incident. The children watched in horror while tigers savagely attacked their driver. Their screams summoned a nearby trainer, who drove the tigers from their victim, but it was too late to save Xu from the deadly effects of bites to his neck.

As a consolation prize, his death provided a memorable example to the children of the danger of stupidity in action.

Rickey, a 38-year-old experienced diver, drowned when he jumped into the Gulf with his weight belt on to retreive a floating boarding ladder.

He had headed out with two friends on his 35-foot Mako powerboat for a day of diving and spearfishing. The friends said Rickey had taken off his mask, fins, tanks, and bouyancy vest when an errant boarding ladder floated out of reach. He jumped in to retrieve it. With no fins to propel him and no vest to help him float, he sank so quickly his two friends could not reach him until it was too late.

His weight belt, left on the floor of the Gulf, was estimated to weigh 12 to 15 pounds. Since the belts have a safety "quick-release" lever, it is a puzzle to friends and family how the experienced diver could have made such a mistake. Rickey's grieving widow Doreen said, "My husband was a man of the sea. Sometimes he'd get too excited when he was out there."

(19 December 1999, New York) A man died on Thursday after falling off the roof of a moving car. He was arguing with his girlfriend during a drive home the weekend before Christmas along Interstate 88. Although the vehicle was travelling in excess of 65MPH in the midst of gale-force winds, the man decided to exit the car onto the roof, presumably to escape from the fight. The man fell to the ground and was rushed to hospital but died the next day due to head injuries. The woman was charged with driving under the influence.

(November 1999) A church held a pageant that culminated in an exciting climactic battle between God and Satan. A stage actor was hired to play Satan, and encouraged to use any means necessary to make the role more realistic. A true professional, he used a voice shifter to make his voice sound dark and evil, and even gave a display of his fire-breathing skills. These theatrics proved to be too much for two members of the congregation, who had heart attacks on the spot, and were rushed to the hospital. One died and the other is in critical condition, which is certainly a dramatic way of saying, "The reviews are in and the show is a smash!"

(8 April 1999, Georgia) William was 45 years old and boasted a string of arrests and several criminal convictions. You would be stretching the truth if you called him an exemplary citizen. But even worse, he was an abusive husband. Charges of battery and false imprisonment had been leveled against him for allegedly tying his common-law wife to their bed with an extension cord in 1997.
According to the police report, he told her "he was not going to let her out, feed her or allow her to go to work." Rosemary managed to free herself and crawl out a window to summon police. William was jailed for two months, which he spent writing poems and drawing pictures of the couple in wedding finery, before Rosemary begged a judge to send him home because she couldn't afford the rent alone.

On Thursday, William doused Rosemary with gasoline and set her on fire. Then he wrenched a gas line loose, apparently to make her death like an accident. But his mislaid plan backfired, when the gas line ignited and blew him up, putting an end to his boorish behavior.

(17 November 1999, Germany) Germany's long-held image as a peaceful Utopia has been tarnished by an acrimonious divorce. After bitter divorce proceedings, 40-year-old Uwe of Brandenburg found that he had lost everything but his lederhosen knickerbockers. Among other possessions, the settlement demanded that Uwe turn over ownership of his house to his newly-estranged wife, Verena.
Enraged by his 37-year-old wife's unmitigated legal victory, the forty-year-old man decided to follow the sage advice of an obscure German proverb: "If life gives you lemons, burn them." Descending into the basement with his trusty drill, Uwe proceeded to bore several holes into a rather large oil tank. He then set fire to the fuel as it poured in erratic streams onto the floor. To his delight, the entire basement was engulfed in flames within seconds.

His joy turned to ashes, however, when he realized that he was now in the middle of a Hindenburg-sized house fire. Despite a valiant effort to save himself, Uwe died in the flames of his own vengeance. Verena got the last laugh, which acquaintances described as "maniacal."

(June 1999, Florida) Okeechobee County investigators believe the death of Bryan, 28, was related to his wife's habit of stomping rabbits and mice for sexual pleasure. Stephanie, 29, was sentenced to two years of probation and community service for the death of her husband Bryan, who was found in a pit with a board over his body, crushed beneath the rear wheel of his sports utility vehicle.
Stephanie did not deny that she drove over her husband, but in her own defence she released tapes to the police showing her stomping small mammals to death. She was identified by a cryptic tattoo on her lower leg.

Such "crush" videos are sold to people who derive sexual pleasure from the sight of death, especially at the hands of a woman. "It was abhorrent and cruel," said Assistant State Attorney Bernard Romero. "My first instinct was to seek the maximum penalty."

But Stephanie contended that she was an unwilling participant in the videos, and had been beaten many times by her husband prior to his bizarre death. Stephanie was charged in July with two counts of felony animal cruelty, which were later reduced to misdemeanors.

As for her husband, his death under the wheels of his car was presumably a loving sex act between consenting adults. But a man who would lie in a special pit while a woman he groomed for "crush" videos drove over him, shouldn't be surprised when he winds up holding a Darwin Award.

(22 September 1999, Scotland) A Scottish follower of Breatharianism demonstrated a comprehensive misunderstanding of biology when she died during an attempt to "Live with Light" in the Scottish Highlands. Verity, 48, left a diary in her tent with references to self-styled guru Jasmuheen. Jasmuheen, an Australian formerly known as Ellen Greve, boasts 5000 followers worldwide, though she does not disclose whether they are always the same followers.

Verity's diary reveals that she was attempting to adhere to the 21-day spiritual cleansing course wherein followers eschew all food and drink for seven days and then take only sips of water for a further fourteen days. They endeavor to learn "pranic feeding" on the carbon, nitrogen, and oxygen found in the air. After that, Jasmuheen says that adherents to 'breatharianism' need never eat or drink again, which she notes is the perfect cure for anorexia and world hunger.

Sufferers from anorexia and world hunger have already attempted this course of action with known results. Nutritionists say the human body can survive without fluid for no more than six days. But such research did not deter this woman, who took to the wilds with only a tent and her determination. A police source revealed that she had died from hypothermia and dehydration, aggravated by lack of food.

Jasmuheen, whose dress size was not disclosed, claims to have survived on "liquid air" since 1993, although she also allows herself cups of herbal tea and chocolate biscuits. In response to questioning, the founder of the cult stated that the woman's death was not due to any physical need for food. Rather, she said, it was a failure to satisfy spiritual needs brought about by a battle with her own ego.

(20 October 1999, Texas) A 21-year-old man died from shrapnel wounds when he and his friends discovered and began shooting at two explosive devices. The three men found the 75-millimeter "ceremonial military rounds" while cleaning out a building. Someone came up with the bright idea to trigger the explosives with gunfire fire, and you know what? It worked. One man died at the scene, and the remaining two stepped aside to let the Fort Hood Bomb Disposal Unit do their job.

(September 1999, New York) David, a 44-year-old Mineola man, was so desperate to be rid of his flab that he allowed his friend to perform liposuction on him in his garage. David died in this make-shift medical clinic, the victim of lidocaine overdose. Anyone dumb enough to lie back and take the medical ministrations of a unlicensed liposuctionist deserves to win a Darwin for his heedless vanity. The fake physician apolgoized to the man's family.

(6 July 1999, Florida) A naked man was found dead on the back of a killer whale at Sea World in Orlando on Tuesday morning, a victim of drowning or hypothermia in the 55-degree water. "There were no obvious signs of trauma. He wasn't chewed or dismembered," the sheriff's office said. The body had scrapes on it, possibly signifying that the victim had been dragged along the bottom of the tank.
Is a man who swims with Orcas worthy of a Darwin Award? Insights into his bizarre history may help us decide.

He was identified as a marijuana-smoking drifter named Daniel. The South Carolina native carried a tattered Florida DMV card, and police traced the address on the card to a Hare Krishna temple in Miami.

Priest Paul Seaur provided insights into Daniel's month-long stay with the community of six worshippers. He had a great love of nature, writing in his journal and feeding wild birds in the temple garden. Daniel had difficulty adjusting to the religion's 4AM wake-up time, their dietary prohibitions, and their abstinence from liquor, drugs, sex, and gambling. He preferred to dodge work and meditate in the chapel listening to heavy metal music.

Daniel unexpectedly announced that he was taking a vow of silence, which puzzled the Hare Krishnas, since their religion does not urge its members to be silent. He left abruptly in the spring, saying, "I want to be free. I want to travel around."

Daniel left a string of petty offences throughout South Carolina, Washington, Texas and Florida. Just days before his death, he had completed a three day sentence to the Indian River County Jail for stealing a 3-Musketeers candy bar from 7-Eleven. He resumed his vow of silence in court. "The suspect could not speak," a Vero Beach officer reported, so instead he used paper and pen to deny the charge.

Three days later, our intrepid stoner gained admittance to SeaWorld and loitered near the whale pools until 10PM closing, evading the 24-hour security. After stripping to his bathing trunks, he scaled a 3-foot plexiglas barrier, crossed a short stone wall, and climbed into Tillikum's frigid enclosure using steps ringing the 80x100-foot pool. An employee spotted Daniel's nude form draped just below Tillikum's dorsal fin at 7:35AM. His swimming shorts were found elsewhere in the tank. Tillikum apparently tried to remove his shorts with his razor sharp teeth, the medical examiner said.

The nature lover left few clues about his state of mind when he decided to commune with a carnivore the size of a bus. A joint was found inside his pile of clothes, but no admission ticket to SeaWorld. Anonymous park workers made a surprise announcement that this was not the first time Daniel had communed with sea mammals. Two years ago, they recall that he jumped into the manatee tank, which is filled with warmer water and less offensive creatures.

Notes about Tillikum the killer whale:

The 8-year-old mammal is the largest killer whale in captivity, at 22 feet and 11,000 pounds. He was appraised at 1.5 million dollars when purchased by SeaWorld in 1991, where he joined 13 other killer whales. He was considered dangerous, as he was never trained for human contact. Biologists say he probably played with Daniel like a toy, without realizing that he was a fragile human being.

This is not his first encounter with death. Tillikum and two other whales were involved in the drowning of a trainer in Victoria, Canada in 1991. Keltie Byrne fell into the whale tank at the SeaLand Marine Park and was dragged beneath the surface to her watery demise.

Tillikum is a fecund marine predator, and the sire of four calves born during his breeding stay in Florida.

In a comparison between Tillikum and Daniel, it's clear who is higher on the evolutionary scale.

1999 Darwin Awards Runner-Up

(22 March 1999, Phnom Penh) Decades of armed strife has littered Cambodia with unexploded munitions and ordnance. Authorities warn citizens not to tamper with the devices.
Three friends recently spent an evening sharing drinks and exchanging insults at a local cafe in the southeastern province of Svay Rieng. Their companionable arguing continued for hours, until one man pulled out a 25-year-old unexploded anti-tank mine found in his backyard.

He tossed it under the table, and the three men began playing Russian roulette, each tossing down a drink and then stamping on the mine. The other villagers fled in terror.

Minutes later, the explosive detonated with a tremendous boom, killing the three men in the bar. "Their wives could not even find their flesh because the blast destroyed everything," the Rasmei Kampuchea newspaper reported.

1999 Darwin Awards Winner

5 September 1999, Jerusalem In most parts of the world, the switch away from Daylight Saving Time proceeds smoothly. But the time change raised havoc with Palestinian terrorists this year.

Israel insisted on a premature switch from Daylight Savings Time to Standard Time to accommodate a week of pre-sunrise prayers. Palestinians refused to live on "Zionist Time." Two weeks of scheduling havoc ensued. Nobody knew the "correct" time.

At precisely 5:30pm on Sunday, two coordinated car bombs exploded in different cities, killing three terrorists who were transporting the bombs. It was initially believed that the devices had been detonated prematurely by klutzy amateurs. A closer look revealed the truth behind the explosions.

The bombs had been prepared in a Palestine-controlled area, and set to detonate on Daylight Saving Time. But the confused drivers had already switched to Standard Time. When they picked up the bombs, they neglected to ask whose watch was used to set the timing mechanism. As a result, the cars were still en-route when the explosives detonated, delivering the terrorists to their untimely demises.

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