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| How does an artist make millions?.............die! Did you hear about the bassist who locked her keys in the car? She spent all afternoon trying to get the drummer out of there. A drummer walks into a shop to buy some guitar strings. "Do you have any guitar strings?" he asks the shop owner. "You're a drummer, aren't you?" says the shop owner. "How did you know that?" asks the drummer. "Because this is a fish and chip shop." What did the bassist get on his I.Q. test? Drool. A young boy said, "Mom, I want to be a drummer when I grow up." His mom replied, "Well, you can't do both!" Did you hear about the bassist who was so out of tune the singer noticed? What's the difference between a saxophone and a chainsaw? The grip. How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb? None. The drummer can do that with his left hand. Hey buddy. How late does the band play? Oh, about half a beat behind the drummer. Female vocalist to keyboard player, "I'd like to do 'My Funny Valentine' again tonight... but can you think of a way to 'jazz' it up?" Keyboard player: "Sure, we can do the first chorus in G minor, modulate to G# minor for the second chorus in 5/4 time, modulate to A minor in 3/4 time for the bridge, then cut off the last 3 bars!" Vocalist: "Don't you think that's too complicated to do without a rehearsal!" Keyboard player: "That's how you sang it last night." How is a savings bond like a musician? Eventually, it may mature and make some money. Why do bagpipers march when they play? It's harder to hit a moving target. What's the difference between playing an drum solo and wetting your pants? Both give you a warm feeling but no one else cares. What's the inscription on dead blues-singers tombstones? "I didn't wake up this morning..." A musician calls the symphony office to talk to the conductor & is told he is dead. Calls back 25 times. Same message from receptionist. Receptionist asks why he keeps calling. "I just like to hear you say it." At a rehearsal, the conductor stops and shouts to the bass section, "You are out of tune! Check it, please!" The first bassist pulls all his strings and says, "Our tuning is correct. All the strings are equally tight." The first violaist turns around and shouts, "You bloody idiot! It's not the tension! The pegs have to be parallel!" How do you get a guitar player to play softer? Give him a sheet of music. How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb? None--they just steal somebody else's light. The Irish invented the bagpipes and gave them to the Scots as a joke. The Scots haven't gotten the joke yet. Why did people invent the piano? So musicians would have a place to set their beers!! What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead trombonist in the road? Skid marks in front of the snake. What's the definition of a gentleman? Someone who knows how to play trombone but doesn't. How do you compliment a banjo player? "Nice tooth." What will you never say about a banjo player? That's the banjo player's Porsche. What's the difference between a puppy and a country music singer? Eventually the puppy stops whining. A violist comes home late at night to discover fire trucks, police cars, and a smoking crater where his house used to be. The chief of police comes over to him and tells him, "While you were out, the conductor came to your house, killed your family, and burned it down." The violist replied, "You're kidding! The conductor came to my house?" What do you call a bassist with a half a brain? Gifted. ALLEGRO = Leg fertilizer. METRONOME = A dwarf who lives in the city. What's the difference between a dressmaker and an alto? The dressmaker tucks up the trills St. Peter's checking IDs at the Pearly Gates. "What did you do on Earth?" he asks a man. "I was a doctor." "Ok, go right through those gates. Next! What did you do on Earth?" "I was a school teacher." "Ok, go right through those gates. Next! What did you do on Earth?" "I was a jazz musician." "Go around the side, up the freight elevator, through the kitchen...." What's the difference between a cello and a bass? A bass holds more beer. What's an oboe good for? Setting a bassoon on fire. A fellow walking into a pub says: "Do you want to hear my latest accordion joke?" "Now, I play the accordion" says the bartender, a large strapping fellow."That gentleman at the end of the bar, the one who look like a logger, he plays the accordion. And that big gentleman playing darts over there, he plays the accordion. Do you still want to tell your joke?" "No, I don't feel like explaining it three times." How do you know if there is a drummer at your door? The knocking always speeds up |
| Submitted By: Anonymous... |
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