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Smart Criminals III

South Carolina: A man walked into a local police station, dropped a bag of cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it was substandard cut, and asked that the person who sold it to him be arrested immediately.

Indiana: A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and demanded all the money in the register. When the cashier handed him the loot, he fled--leaving his wallet on the counter.

England: A German "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, shows up at customs with his golf bag. While making idle chatter about golf, the customs official realizes that the tourist does not know what a "handicap" is. The customs official asks the tourist to demonstrate his swing, which he does--backward! A substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag.

Arizona: A company called "Guns For Hire" stages gunfights for Western movies, etc. One day, they received a call from a 47-year- old woman, who wanted to have her husband killed. She got 4-1/2 years in jail.

Texas: A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a check--a *forged* check. He got 10 years.

(Location Unknown): A man went into a drug store, pulled a gun, announced a robbery, and pulled a Hefty-bag face mask over his head--and realized that he'd forgotten to cut eyeholes in the mask.

(Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole--are you ready for this?--the bank's video camera. While it was recording. Remotely. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of himself stealing the camera.)

(Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank's basement through a street-level window, cutting himself up pretty badly in the process. He then realized that (1) he could not get to the money from where he was,(2) he could not climb back out the window through which he had entered, and (3) he was bleeding pretty badly. So he located a phone and dialed "911" for help ...

Virginia: Two men in a pickup truck went to a new-home site to steal a refrigerator. Banging up walls, floors, etc., they snatched a refrigerator from one of the houses, and loaded it onto the pickup. The truck promptly got stuck in the mud, so these brain surgeons decided that the refrigerator was too heavy. Banging up *more* walls, floors, etc., they put the refrigerator BACK into the house, and returned to the pickup truck, only to realize that they locked the keys in the truck--so they abandoned it.

(Location Unknown): A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled-- leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars.

You may remember that several years ago, terrorists bombed the parking garage of the World Trade Center. They had planted the bomb in a rented van parked in the garage. The terrorists were apprehended when one of them returned to the rental agency and attempted to claim the deposit on the van.

I heard on WMMR recently that a man got busted when he tried to set up a drug deal by phone and dialed the wrong number. The person he reached was a police officer in the Narcotics Dept.

A college buddy told me this story about his uncle, who was a security guard at a bank. A thief burst into the bank one day wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled, FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A F*CK-UP!" For a moment, everyone was silent. Then the snickers started. The guard completely lost it and doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life, because he'd been about to draw his gun. He couldn't have drawn and fired before the thief shot him. The thief ran away and is still at large (ooh, scary). In memory of the event, the bank later put a plaque on the wall engraved Freeze, Mother-Stickers, this is a f*ck-up!" My friend swears this is a true story.

Denmark: A chap was breaking into a police car. Windows of the car was darkened, so he was not able to notice one little thing: there was three constables sitting inside the car...

Texas: Two petty thieves broke into a house and stole a TV,VCR, and a camcorder. When they went home they thought the camcorder was so neat, they decided to start filming one another, complete with names and even a shot of the house they lived in. After getting seriously drunk,they went to bed. The next day they decided to get a little cash so they took their ill-gotten loot to a pawn shop and sold everything. Only one problem, they left the tape in the camcorder! The trial is this summer.

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