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| A - Z of Stupid Quotations |
| Stupid Quotations -A- So long as any amount shall remain unpaid under this note, the Borrower covenants and promises to that Bank that the borrower will not permit or suffer to exist any of the following conditions: death of the borrower. -- American Security Bank loan agreement We are unable to announce the weather. We depend on weather reports from the airport, which is closed, due to weather. Whether we will be able to give you a weather report tomorrow will depend on the weather. -- Arab News report -B- Why can't the Jews and Arabs just sit down and settle this like good Christians? -- Arthur Balfour, British Government, on Mideast crisis Outside of the killings in Washington DC, we have one of the lowest crime rates in the nation. -- Marion Barry, mayor of Washington DC Caution: Cape does not enable user to fly. -- Batman Costume warning label Sure the body count in this movie bothers me, but what are you gonna do? It's what everybody likes. At least its not an awful body count--it's a fun body count. -- Bonnie Bedelia, actress, regarding the movie Die Harder Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours. -- Yogi Berra, baseball catcher, manager Congratulstions on breaking my record. I always thought the record would stand until it was broken. -- Yogi Berra, to Johnny Bench It was pretty good. Even the music was nice. -- Yogi Berra, after attending an opera It's like deja vu all over again. -- Yogi Berra The other teams could make trouble for us if they win. -- Yogi Berra, baseball catcher, manager Well, I used to look like this when I was young and now I still do. -- Yogi Berra, baseball catcher, manager If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet." -- Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin I think "immoral" is probably the wrong word to use...I prefer the word "unethical." -- Ivan Boesky, inside stock trader What good is the moon if you can't buy or sell it? -- Ivan Boesky, inside stock trader The Minutemen are not tall in terms of height. -- Dan Bonner, CBS sportscaster, during a UMass basketball game We're not afraid of challenges. It's like we always say: if you want to go out in the rain, be prepared to get burned. -- Brazillian Soccer Player The private enterprise system indicates that some people have higher incomes than others. -- Gerry Brown, California governor Our strength is that we don't have any weaknesses. Our weakness is that we don't have any real strengths. -- Frank Broyles, college football coach All I was doing was appealing for an endorsement, not suggesting you endorse it. -- George Bush, US President I have opinions of my own -- strong opinions --but I don't always agree with them. -- George Bush, US President It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another. -- George Bush, US President -C- And so a lot of people say there's too much personal freedom. When personal freedom's being abused, you have to move to limit it. That's what we did in the announcement I made last weekend on the public housing projects, about how we're going to have weapon sweeps and more things like that to try to make people safer in their communities. -- Bill Clinton, US President, on MTV's ``Enough is Enough", 3-22-94 Everybody sets out to do something and everybody does something. But no one does what he sets out to do. -- Bill Clinton, US President First of all, I didn't know about it. To the best of my recollection I didn't know anything about his having that job until I read about it in the press. And I can't imagine who could have ever arranged to do something improper like that and no one around here know about it. It was just not--we did not know anything about it, and I can tell you categorically that that did not happen. I knew nothing about it, none of us did before it happened. And I personally didn't know anything about it, 'til I read about it in the press. -- Bill Clinton, US President, News Conference 01/29/97 I believe this country's policies should be heavily biased in favor of non-discrimination. -- Bill Clinton, US President I don't believe you can find any evidence of the fact that I had changed government policy solely because of a contribution. -- Bill Clinton, US President It is wrong to raise money on the promise of guaranteeing specific kinds of access. That is wrong and we have stopped that. -- Bill Clinton, US President, August 4, 1995 There's nothing wrong with making mistakes. Just don't respond with encores. -- Bill Clinton, US President We are present at the future. -- Bill Clinton, US President, in a speech on Aug 16,1997 We can't be so fixated on our desire to preserve the rights of ordinary Americans ... -- Bill Clinton, US President, USA TODAY, 11 March 1993, page 2A I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president. -- Hillary Clinton, US First Lady, commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents in the book by James B. Stewart - Blood Sport Any time Detroit scores more than 100 points and holds the other team below 100 points they almost always win. -- Doug Collins, basketball commentator That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it." -- A congressional candidate in Texas I wanted all my ducks in a row so if we did get into a posture we could pretty much slam-dunk this thing and put it to bed. -- Lee Cooke, mayor of Austin, TX, abusing cliches When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results. -- Former U.S. President Calvin Coolidge To forcibly remove a politician from office, one has to meet a much higher standard of dishonesty. -- Michael Cooney, Santa Barbara attorney -D- We shall reach greater and greater platitudes of achievement. -- Richard J. Daley, mayor of Chicago, IL Not only is he ambidextrous, but he can throw with either hand. -- Duffy Daugherty, football coach and sports analyst Ordinary rape and murder just doesn't make it anymore. It's much better to have ultra-violence, chainsaw massacres, X-rated Draculas, and continents sinking into the sea with the entire population lost, at the very least. -- Jon Davidson, advertising executive at New World Pictures, on what makes a good movie Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances. -- Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina I find it interesting how we get carried away by the dogma a-la-mode. -- Lincoln Diaz-Ballart, US representative from Florida A billion here, a billion there, sooner or later it adds up to real money. --Everett Dirksen We all get heavier as we get older because there's a lot more information in our heads. -- Vlade Divac, NBA basketball player Life is very important to Americans. -- Bob Dole, US Senator from Kansas -E- Things are more like they are now than they ever were before. -- Dwight D. Eisenhower, US President To move cabin, push button of the wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press the number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by natural order. Button retaining pressed position shows received command. -- Elevator Instructions, Madrid, Spain We apologize for the error in last week's paper in which we stated that Mr. Arnold Dogbody was a defective in the police force. We meant, of course, that Mr. Dogbody is a detective in the police farce. -- Correction Notice in the Ely Standard, a British newspaper -F- If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record. -- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman If the homeless are not satisfied they can go back home. -- French politician -G- It was not my class of people. There was not a producer, a press agent, a director, an actor. -- Zsa Zsa Gabor, on the jury used in her assault trial The only reason we're 7-0 is because we've won all seven of our games. -- David Garcia, baseball team manager China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese -- Former French President Charles De Gaulle A bachelor's life is no life for a single man. -- Samuel Goldwyn A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on. --Samuel Goldwyn Don't pay any attention to the critics--don't even ignore them. -- Samuel Goldwyn Go see it and see for yourself why you shouldn't go see it. -- Samuel Goldwyn I don't think anyone should write his autobiography until after he's dead. -- Samuel Goldwyn If you don't dissagree with me, how will I know I'm right? -- Samuel Goldwyn Keep a stiff upper chin. -- Samuel Goldwyn This book has too much plot and not enough story. -- Samuel Goldwyn You've got to take the sour with the bitter. -- Samuel Goldwyn We're overpaying him but he's worth it. -- Samuel Goldwyn Why only twelve? -- Samuel Goldwyn, while filming The Last Supper, (attributed) I think the ethical standards established in this White House have been the highest in the history of the White House. -- Al Gore, US Vice President, October 1996 Here lies Jan Smith, wife of Thomas Smith, marble Cutter. This monument was erected by her husband as a tribute to her memory and a specimen of his work. Monuments of this same style are two hundred and fifty dollars. -- Gravestone Inscription Please deposit your valuables in the management. -- Guangdong Victory Hotel instruction Card, Guangdong, China Sometimes they write what I say and not what I mean. -- Pedro Guerrero, baseball player, on reporters -H- Teeth extracted by the latest methodists. -- Hong Kong dental advertisement -I- We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need? -- Lee Iacocca Secretaries for openings in college administrative areas. Good typing, word processing helpful. Able to interfere with faculty, staff, and students. -- Irondequoit, NY want-ad Passive activity income does not include the following: Income for an activity that is not a passive activity. -- IRS form 8583, Passive Activity Loss Limitation Please provide the date of your death. -- from an IRS letter You will find it a distinct help if you know and look as if you know what you are doing. -- IRS Training Manual for tax auditors -J- If people get a kick out of running down pedestrians, you have to let them do it. -- Paul Jacobs, marketing director for a video game company Cheered by their words with an altogether more positive attitude to boxing...I found myself recalling the words of Marlin Brando in On the Waterfront, "I could have been a bartender." -- Look Japan magazine article Four people were killed, one seriously, and eight more received slight injuries. -- Japan Times article -K- We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees. -- Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks All of the Mets' road wins against Los Angeles this year have been at Dodger Stadium. -- Ralph Kiner, NY Sportscaster Most of my cliches aren't original. -- Chuck Knox, NFL football coach -L- He was probably our greatest living painter -- until he died. -- LBC British Television News And now, will y'all stand and be recognized? -- Gib Lewis, Texas Speaker of the House, to a group of people in wheelchairs on Disability Day I want to thank each and every one of you for having extinguished yourselves this session. -- Gib Lewis, Texas Speaker of the House This is unparalyzed in the state's history. -- Gib Lewis, Texas Speaker of the House -M- How to store your baby walker: First, remove baby. -- Manufacturer People say I'm extravagant because I want to be surrounded by beauty. But tell me, who wants to be surrounded by garbage? -- Imelda Marcos, one-time Phillippine first lady, and owner of 3,000 pairs of shoes Mattie's Restaurant and Yogurt Palace, "An alternative to Good Eating" -- Restaurant Business Card from Decatur, Texas "The first lady will not invoke executive privledge." -- Mike McCurry, referring to Hillary Clinton, the US First Lady The people don't take baths and they don't speak English. No golf courses, no room service. Who needs it? -- Jim McMahon, NFL football quarterback, on Europe If ever there was a case of clearer evidence than this of persons acting in concert together, this case is that case! -- Sir R. Megarry Can't act. Can't sing. Balding. Can dance a little. -- MGM summary of a screen test by some guy named Fred Astaire No one wants to say the sky is falling, but in this instance I am afraid the emperor has no clothes. Despite Herculean efforts by the Council and Council staff, we are still only dealing with the tip of the iceberg. -- Charles Millard, NYC councilman, in a press release All you have to do is go down to the bottom of your swimming pool and hold your breath. -- David Miller, US DOE spokesperson, on protecting yourself from nuclear radiation Truth is that which cannot be proved false. -- Dick Morris You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday. -- sign in a Moscow Hotel -N- The government is not doing enough about cleaning up the environment. This is a good planet. -- Mr. New Jersey contestant when asked what he would do with a million dollars. I was under medication when I made the decision to burn the tapes. -- Richard M. Nixon, US President It is necessary for me to establish a winner image. Therefore, I have to beat somebody. -- Richard M. Nixon, US President I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version. -- Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony Ladies are requested not to have children at the bar. -- sign in a Norwegian cocktail lounge -O- We've been working on the basics because, basically, we've been having trouble with the basics. -- Bob Ojeda, baseball pitcher Half this game is ninety percent mental. -- Danny Ozark, Philadelphia Phillies team manager It is beyond my apprehension. -- Danny Ozark, Philadelphia Phillies team manager, regarding his team's losing streak -P- We are sorry to announce that Mr. Albert Brown has been quite unwell, owing to his recent death, and is taking a short holiday to recover. -- Parish Magazine I didn't know Onward Christian Soldiers was a Christian song. -- Aggie Pate, at a non-denominational mayor's breakfast, Fort Worth, Texas This planet is our home. If we destroy the planet, we've destroyed our home, so it is fundamentally important. -- H. Ross Perot These people haven't seen the last of my face. If I go down, I'm going down standing up. -- Chuck Person, NBA Basketball player Men, I want you just thinking of one word all season. One word and one word only: Super Bowl. -- Bill Peterson, football coach They're multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off. -- Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1000 for an ordinary pair of pliers. -Q- The Lybian army is capable of destroying America and breaking its nose. -- Muammar Qaddafi Space is almost infinite. As a matter of fact, we think it is infinite. -- Dan Quayle, US VP, head of the Space Council Hawaii is a unique state. It is a small state. It is a state that is by itself. It is a --it is different from the other 49 states. Well, all states are different, but it's got a particularly unique situation. -- Dan Quayle, US VP -R- And now the sequence of events in no particular order. -- Dan Rather, CBS television news anchor Seafood brought in by customers will not be entertained. -- Restaurant sign in Langkawi, Malaysia The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's the people who make them unsafe. -- Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief & mayor of Philadelphia At present there are such goings-on that everything is at a standstill. -- Sir Boyle Roche P.S. If you do not receive this, of course it must have been miscarried; therefore I beg you to write and let me know. -- Sir Boyle Roche -S- Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life. -- Brooke Shields, at a federal anti-smoking campaign spokes person interview Order you summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation. -- Sign in a tailor's shop Is forbidden to steal towels, please. If you are not person to do such is please not to read notice. -- Sign in a Tokyo hotel I have nothing to say, and I'll only say it once. -- Floyd Smith, NHL Hockey coach Be sure and put some of those neutrons on it. -- Mike Smith, Baseball pitcher, ordering a salad at a restaurant It's got lots of installation. -- Mike Smith, Baseball pitcher, describing his new coat There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years. -- article in Soviet Weekly You don't tell us how to stage the news, and we don't tell you how to report it. -- Larry Speakes, press secretary for US President George Bush, addressing the media Was it you or your brother who was killed in the war? -- Reverand William Spooner, of Oxford, England (for whom the 'Spoonerism' is named) The team has come along slow but fast. -- Casey Stengel, baseball player, Mets manager There comes a time in every man's life and I've had many of them. -- Casey Stengel, baseball player, Mets manager The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep. -- George Stephanopolous (referring to Bill Clinton) "Larry King Live" 2/16/96 -T- We are not without accomplishment. We have managed to distribute poverty equally. -- Nguyen Co Thatch, Vietnamese foreign minister The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein. -- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback and sports analyst Traffic is very heavy at the moment, so if you are thinking of leaving now, you'd better set off a few minutes earlier. -- Traffic Report Fiction writing is great. You can make up almost anything. -- Ivana Trump, upon finishing her first novel -U- Q: What should I do if I find a rock in a bag of potatoes? A: Simply return the rock to your grocer, who will give you the rock's weight in potatoes. -- from a USDA booklet, titled How to Buy Potatoes -W- I've read about foreign policy and studied -- I know the number of continents. -- George Wallace, 1968 presidential campaign I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves. --John Wayne We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people. -- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind. -- General William Westmoreland Well, that was a cliff-dweller. -- Wes Westrum, baseball coach, about a close game This is no longer a slum neighborhood. I haven't heard of a Cubs fan being shot in a long time. -- Wrigley Field Neighbor, Chicago, IL -Y- I'm the consul for information, but I don't have any information. -- Ofra Ben Yaacoe, Israeli Consul, Chicago |
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