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| WARNING. If you are offended by Princess Diana jokes PLEASE LEAVE NOW. Why didn't Superman save Diana in the tunnel? Cuz he's a quadriplegic! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What does Diana and Mother Theresa do on sundays? Watch the zambian soccer team play soccer . (the team died in a plane crash ) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Did you hear that Princess Di was on the radio a couple of weeks ago? Yep, and on the dashboard, and on the window, and on the hood.... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why did the tunnel in Paris get so red? Because they got Di all over it. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What does Princess Di turn into at midnight? The wall. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How did they know that the driver had dandruff? They found his head and shoulders in the glove box. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What was the last thing Diana & Dodi had to drink? 4 Harvey Wallbangers, 2 Slammers, followed by 6 chasers. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What's the difference between Princess Di and Tiger Woods? He's got a better driver. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- There's a new organization out there to fight drunk driving.... M.A.D.D. Monarchs Against Drunk Drivers. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What's the difference between a Mercedes and a Porsche? Diana wouldn't be seen dead in a Porsche! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dodi said to his driver when in England... Do you want to come to Paris with me and "Di"? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What does a mercedes and a squid have in common? Nothing - you have to cut them both open to get the "Di" out. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What was the last thing Di said to Dodi? Don't you think were taking this thing a little too fast? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What's the difference between Princess Di and the Notre Dame Football Team? Notre Dame made it out of the tunnel. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why is Nancy Reagan miffed at Princess Diana? Because Diana gets to wear the next Versace collection before she does. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Diana's last words: "I said 'Beat them all', NOT 'Eat the wall!!!'" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Where does Princess Di stay when in Paris? Any place she can crash. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What did the Queen Mother give Fergie for her birthday? A Black Mercedes and a trip to Paris. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What do you give the princess who has everything? A seatbelt and an airbag. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What did St Peter say to Di at the Pearly Gates? Wipe that "merc" off your face. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What's Di getting for Xmas? The Queen Mother. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What's the difference between the London Ritz and the Paris Ritz? You get mints after dinner at the London Ritz and minced after dinner at the Paris Ritz. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What's the one thing that attracts Diana more than a wealthy Egyptian? A solidly-built Pole. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Of course, I could add that the police at the scene didn't need to add chalk outlines.... There was Di all over the road. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What's the difference between a Mercedes 600 and a can of spam? They give you a key to get the meat out a can of spam. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why was it questionable if Princess Diana would have made a good queen? She had tunnel vision. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How many paparazzi does it take to kill Di? 50. One to drive infront of Di and 49 to take pictures. How can you tell which one was Charles at the funeral? He was the one talking to the flowers. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What's the difference between Mother Theresa and Diana? 5 days. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Did you hear that Di is going to get married again? They say its a match made in heaven. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why did Dodi invest in construction? He wanted to make a big impact on the concrete industry. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why did Henry Paul swerve into the pillar? He wanted to see if a Mercedes Bends.... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why did Princess Diana get to the Pearly Gates before Mother Theresa? Mother T. deserved a Royal Reception. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Did you see the wall Di drove into? Neither did she. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Did you hear they are going to make a movie about her? It's going to be called "Di hard" or "Live and Let Di" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How does one make mincemeat? Use a mincer... How does the Government make mincemeat? They build tunnels. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Its politically incorrect to say that someone has Di'd. You say someone's life came to an end. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why did Elton John sing at Diana's funeral? The Crash Test Dummies couldn't make it! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What does DIANA stand for? Died in a nasty accident. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What does DIANA stand for? Died In A Nice Automobile. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What is the difference between Princess Di and Prince William? One is the heir to the throne And the other was thrown through the air! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What does a tampon and Princess Diana have in common? They both go into dark tunnels and come out covered in blood -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What does DODI stand for? Died opposite Di. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What did Mother Theresa ask Diana the last time they met? "Can you give me a crash course in media recognition?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What did St. Peter say to Dodi when they met at the Pearly Gates? "Talk about being royally screwed!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What did the Pope say when asked, "Why was Diana more popular than Mother Theresa?" "Well, Di did have a more smashing personality." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dodi said Di and she did. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What would Di be doing if she were alive today? Scratching at the lid of her coffin. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why did Elton john take his boyfriend to the funeral? So at least one old queen would be seen to cry in public. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- If you go out on the grog, then get in a car with a Wog and a Frog and drive like a hog, you'll be as dead as a dog. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Elton John wasn't the only one who composed a song for Di.... Roxette - Crash! Boom! Bang! Michael Jackson - Blood on the dashboard -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What do Lady Di and Pink Floyd have in common? Their last greatest hit was the WALL. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What did Dodi say to Di before they left the Ritz? "Do you want to sleep here or crash in the car?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What does Diana and George Burns have in common? They both died when they hit 100. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What was the last thing to go through Diana's mind? The dashboard. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How did Di and Charles dissagree about Modern Archectecture? Di was wrapt about pre-stressed cement. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What's worse than getting red wine off carpet? Getting Di off the uphostery. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What do Di and Darren Millane have in common? They both didn't make it home from the tunnel. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What was Princess Diana's last words to the paparazzi? "Leave me alone, I'm a bloody princess. You photographers drive me up the wall." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why was Princess Diana so thin? Crash diet. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Princess Di really lived up to her name. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What does Princess Diana have in common with Hugh Grant? They both bought it in the backseat of a car. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Did the British Secret Service kill Princess Diana? No, the French underground did it. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What's the difference betwee Elton John and Princess Diana? One's composing, the other is decomposing. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What did Prince Charles say when he heard about the automobile accident? Well, that's the way the Mercedes BENZ. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What did Princess Diana die of? Car-pole-tunnel syndrome. What was the last thing that Diana kissed? The radiator. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What did Diana say to Dodi when he asked to marry her? She wanted something more concrete in her life. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What vegetable is most like Princess Diana? French squash. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Did you hear about the new Pink Floyd album? "Another Brit in the Wall" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- When Prince Charles was told of Diana's death he was all ears. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Where were Dodi and Di heading the night of the accident? To paint the town red. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Di and Dodi Top 10 Records: Leader of the Pack Won't someone buy me a Mercedes-Benz? Die Like an Egyptian Dead Man's Curve Last Time in Paris How Much is that Dodi in the Window -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What's the title of the new Princess Diana movie they are making? One Wedding and a Funeral. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Once again Princess Diana proves a big hit in Paris. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Diana's name has been changed to: The Royalty formally known as Princess Di. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Where did Diana go for her holidays? All over Paris. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What did Princess Diana do when she heard the driver had been drinking? She hit the roof. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What does a bee have in common with a Mercedes? They both make Royal Jelly. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How do you spoil Princess Diana? Leave her out in the sun. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Did you hear that Princess Diana was suffering from PMS? Pulverized Mercedes Syndrome. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Now there is a new pizza place, the "Paparazzi Pizza" delivery. You don't have to give them your address, they'll find you no matter where you are. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Elton John is writing a tribute for Mother Teresa. He's calling it "Sandals in the Bin". -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What's the difference between Lady Di and the East Germans? The East Germans survived the wall. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What's the bumper sticker on Fergie's car? I brake for Paparazzi. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What is the difference between leeches and the paparazzi? Leeches fall off after you die. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What does Dodi and Dodo have in common? They are both extinct. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What happens when you french kiss a fairy tale Princess? The frog turns into a wall and croaks. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What was Princess Diana's last dessert dish? A turnover. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What's the difference between a Mercedes and Princess Diana? A Mercedes will easily reach 40. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why don't you want to buy golf clubs at Harrods? Their drivers suck. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What was the last thing Dodi said to Di? "You look smashing!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What did the mortuary assistant say as he unzipped the body bag? "Zippady Dodi, zippady Di!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Whats the difference between George Best and the driver of the car? George Best can still take corners when he's pissed. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I guess it was true,,, princess Di did have her Eye on that arabic guy. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What were Diana's last words to the paparazzi? No photos. I'ma bloody mess. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What's the difference between Ramsey Street and Prince Charles? One has a Mrs Mangle, the other has a Mangled Mrs. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What does Princess Diana's bumper sticker say? My other car's a decoy. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The paparazzi asked Prince Charles if he has had sex since divorcing Diana. He replied, "infrequently." The paparazzi responded by saying, "Is that one word or two?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Who attended the recent Diana gowns auction at Christies? Michael Jackson. He asked "how much for her bones." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Have you heard about the Princess Diana computer virus? Your computer speeds up, your driver runs into a post processor, and your hard drive crashes. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What kind of battery did the Mercedes have? A DI HARD. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What's the difference between Princess Diana and Elton John? Princess Diana never became a queen of England. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- If Princess Diana's heart was in the right place, why was it found on the dashboard? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Apparently the chauffeur wasn't the only legless person in the car. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Bearing in mind the driver was pissed out of his head, Diana's family should forget trying to sue the paparazzi... they haven't got a leg to stand on. |
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