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What your drink says about you

What your alcoholic beverage says about you!!!

As promised an insight into "you are what you drink!"

Bottles

Archers Aqua Apple - Has a rough exterior, but is usually a big softie on the inside, once owned a Vauxhall nova.
Archers Aqua Cranberry - Seriously believes that fairy washing up liquid will make their hands softer.
Archer Aqua Melon - Will grow facial whiskers in old age, partial to warmer climates.
Archers Aqua Orange - Likes coffee in the morning & tea in the afternoon, has a cat called pu*sy.
Archers Aqua peach - obviously has an obsession with bottles otherwise would have ordered Archers & lemonade served in a glass.
Bacardi Breezer Lemon - Doesn’t like sending cards at Christmas, is an excellent typist.
Bacardi Breezer Lime - Needs daily planner, clumsy, shops in Iceland.
Bacardi Breezer orange - Has 3 fillings and a rugby player boyfriend.
Bud Ice - Likes butterscotch ice cream, has a tendency to tread on peoples toes.
Budweiser - Dances like they have a wasp in their pants, great entertainer.
Corona - Can’t go 24hrs without sending a text message.
Fosters Ice - Drink driver, needs head examination.
Hooch lemon - 14 years old, hangs on street corners.
Hooch orange - See Hooch lemon.
J20 - Driver, far too sensible.
Newcastle Brown Ale - Regularly spends weekends in police cells, collects teapots.
Old peculiar - Helps old ladies cross the street, then steals their walking sticks for fun.
Old Speckled Hen - Has an unnatural fear of staplers, eats clover.
Reef orange & Passion fruit - Walks like John Wayne, has unusually small ears
Reef Lime - Wants to be a DJ, still lives with Mummy.
Reef Raspberry & Cranberry - A karaoke fanatic, can’t necessarily sing.
Smirnoff Ice - Mischievous soul, wears odd socks, rarely falls in love, excels in excel.
Smirnoff Ice Black - Is opposite of Smirnoff Ice.
Smirnoff Red Square - Can’t throw or kick a ball, almost completely useless.
Snowball - Writes for the Financial Times, or equivalent. Has a fetish for Cheese & pineapple on sticks, but must have baby onion on top.
VK Ice - Student, lives in Stevenage.
WKD blue - Enjoys long walks in the country & likes all things blue, this includes blue play-dough, blue felt-tip pens and blue post it notes.
WKD Orange - Has attempted to grow his own oranges without success. Is semi-allergic to cotton wool.
WKD Silver - Lives in Essex, need I say more . . .

Draught Beers

Abbot - Likes to try different hairstyles, favourite is a blue rinse!
Budweiser - Likes to park his car on busy street corners and point his hairdryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
Carling - Can’t sit still, a real figgiter & can’t resist Ikea.
Carlsberg - Always trying to be the funny one, but can’t tell a joke without destroying the punch line.
Carlsberg export - likes to pay for dinner, mistakes doorways for toilets when pissed.
Diamond White - Gets turned on by curtain fixtures.
Fosters - Often attempts to pee out of train windows, even when soba.
Guinness - Needs to see Gamblers Anonymous, has an addiction for fruit machines.
Heineken - Likes to watch porn in reverse, but up-side-down will also satisfy.
Hoe-garden - Will have been married and divorced by 35, compulsive liar.
IPA - Has improper bladder control, rarely invited to parties.
John Smiths - Wants to be a crash test dummy, has never jumped out of a plane.
John Smiths Extra Smooth - Wants to start a rock group, has no musical talent at all.
Kronenberg 1664 - Uses salt on custard, is ambidextrous.
Scrumpy Jack - Wears sandals in winter, rarely wears a watch.
Spitfire - Enjoys horse-riding, likes the smell of S**T!
Stella Artois - Wife beater; also is a homosexual in denial.

Mixers

After shock blue - Wants to be a hairdresser.
After shock green - Has a snooker table in the living room.
After Shock red - Uses a vibrator, nothing else satisfies.
Archers - Sly & sophisticated, has more useless facts than the Guinness book of world records.
Bacardi - Baths in washing up liquid; washes dishes in shower gel, a little confused.
Baileys - Swallows, often lies.
Bells - Loves Disney films, fancies Snow White.
Blue Curacao - Has been known to ask shopkeepers to wrap their wrapping paper, maybe side effect of said drink.
Gin - Heavy smoker, suffers with varicose veins.
Grenadine - Does a mean BBQ, works in McDonalds.
Jack Daniels - Often found walking around without shoes, never makes own drinks.
Malibu - Likes to build sheds in deserts. Has trouble understanding film plot lines.
Ouzo - Saves carrier bags for “next time”, has hairy feet to match chest & back.
Passoa - Big fan of Lionel Ritchie; will only eat Galaxy chocolate.
Sangria - Likes to specify at a drive-thru that their order is to take away.
Sambucca - Has a punctuality problem. Pyromaniac; has set self alight on a number of occasions.
Tequila - Any of the above could apply.
Tia Lusco - Has fag burns on seat of car, eats greasy fish & chips.
Tia Maria - Doesn’t own a single skirt that falls below the knee, works in public sector.
Vodka - Beware of projectile vomiting. Wants to get married young.
Vodka Red Bull - Dances on tables, goes out scantily clad, anything goes!
WKD 40 - Brave, very brave. Has no money, hence buying this beverage to get pissed quickly.

Cocktails

Between the Sheets - Enjoys eating jellied eels.
Bikini - Is short sighted, terrible badminton player.
Black Russian - Also likes black magic, doesn’t like blacked out windows.
Bloody Mary - Resembles Dot Cotton in fashion sense and probably age.
Blow Job - Likes to embarrass & heckle defenseless barmaids.
Blue Lagoon - Has a mirror on bedroom ceiling, and god only knows where else.
Brandy Manhattan - Mutton dressed as lamb.
Bucks Fizz - Wears stripy ties & insists on using party poopers.
Casablanca - Likes to buy property, never makes good investments.
Cosmopolitan - Wears interesting outfits in a bid to be unique.
Dry Martini - Works long ours for ghastly wages, owns a bungalow.
Egg Nog - Works out regularly, prone to verruca’s.
Electric Kick - Friend of mine! Therefore you are perfect!
Electric Popsicle - Looks like a member of Duran Duran, is always hungry.
Green Goddess - Friend of Mine! Therefore you are perfect!
Harvey wall banger - Has a moustache, often found collapsed near walls.
Hawaiian Seduction - Listens to whale music for relaxation.
Heart Stopper - Sweats even in air-conditioned rooms. Shudders at the thought of Velcro.
Irish coffee - Is always looking for 4 leaf clovers & pixies.
Kamikaze - Works for Iraqi spy group, loves to eat tomato soup whilst wearing a helmet.
Latin Twist - Kisses frogs in the hope that fairy tales are true.
Liquid cocaine - Has bald patch amongst pubes.
Love shack - Serious Shagmeister! Not necessarily any good though.
Long Island Ice tea - Owns a Sunseeker predator moored in Monaco.
Manhattan - Enjoys bell ringing, a total sinner.
Margarita - Is partial to Ben & Jerry’s Fish food ice cream; starting to show.
Multiple Screaming Orgasm - Is attracted to people who resemble family members.
Nineteenth hole - Unfaithful arse-bandit!
Passionate Angel - Friend of Mine!!! Therefore you are perfect!
Pina Colada - Dedicated to job, fancies boss, looking for quick promotion.
Purple Snake Bite - Student!!!! Past or present.
Red kiss - Has trouble saying "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" even when sober.
Screaming Orgasm - See Blow job
Screaming Muff dive - Never makes hotel beds, prefers to nick the robes.
Screwdriver - Enjoys synchronized chair dancing, has tomato ketchup on everything.
Sea Breeze - Has done a private study on why a ducks quack doesn’t echo.
Sex on the beach - Has a wicked grin, curtains do not match carpet.
Sex on the babysitters’ bathroom floor - Uses fake tan, baths once a week.
Tequila Sunrise - Uses corny lines like “Nice legs, what time do they open”.
Tight snatch - Has an NVQ in brewing & distilling
Traffic Light - Has mould under bed & suffers from many allergies.
Viagra - Doesn’t understand that this drink will actually have the opposite effect to the pill version.
Virgin Mary - Waste of space.
Vodka Martini - Drives a DB7, thinks he can save the world single handedly.

Wines

Babycham - Doesn’t understand why poems don’t rhyme.
Beaujolais - Only ever uses missionary position.
Cabernet Sauvignon - Wants to live in the olden days, and be driven around in a horse drawn carriage.
Chablis - Alcoholic, the expensive kind.
Champagne - Insists on pumping up car tyres every two weeks, just like the manual says.
Chardonnay - Smells like a drain, wants to be a lawyer like Ally McBeal
Claret - Suffers from constipation, likes things to be QUIET!
Lambrini - Airhead
Petite Flume - Has a thing about banana’s, has tried banana diet.
Pinot Grigio - Likes steak blue. Will probably die of food poisoning.
Semillon Chardonnay - Has had a rare case of projectile leprosy that lasted 48hrs.

Created by Angela Bennett on 15th July 2003, whilst still very bored when boyfriend was away!

Submitted By: Anonymous...