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| Darwin Awards [2000] |
| These awards are given each year to bestow upon (the remains of) that individual, who through single-minded self-sacrifice, has done the most to remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool. 2000 Darwin Awards Nominees (1 January 2000, Nevada) 26-year-old Tod made a place for himself in history by being the first person to die celebrating the millennium. Minutes before midnight, the Stanford graduate climbed to the top of a street light in front of the Paris Las Vegas Hotel and waved to the enthusiastic revellers below. At midnight he slipped and, in an effort to break his fall, grabbed the wires that were supplying the electricity to the street light. Suddenly he was conducting more than a cheering crowd. A camera caught his foolhardy climb and subsequent headfirst plunge to the concrete below. It has not yet been determined whether he died from electrocution or from the 30-foot fall, but either way, he deserves the first Darwin Award of the new millennium! (11 April 2000, Kentucky) Larry and his friend Silas decided to reenact the William Tell scene where the famous archer is forced to test his prowess by shooting an apple off his son's head. But instead of apples, they used a beer can, which was closer to hand. You might suspect that the pair were teenagers, but in fact they were grown men of 47. Larry put the beer can on his head and urged Silas to shoot. But Silas missed the can, fatally wounding his lifelong friend Larry on Tuesday night.Authorities said the men had been drinking, and that the shooting was not prompted by an earlier altercation in the parking lot. (31 July 2000, Italy) Enrico, 15, and his friends decided to take a break from the European soccer ritual one afternoon and play with some construction equipment laying near a field. In a bid to impress his friends, Enrico agreed to let them roll him around inside a large concrete tube, which was a meter in diameter and used in building aqueducts. Enrico donned his safety helmet and entered the tube, and the rolling commenced. Unfortunately, the helmet precaution was ineffective. The tube broke into several heavy pieces and crushed the boy's torso. Italian paramedics rushed to the scene and arrived an hour later, but it was too late. Enrico died soon after in a nearby hospital. (September 2000, Germany) The picturesque medieval city of Rothenburg was recently the scene of a dramatic artistic effort. A 53-year-old man from Baden-Wuetemberg was posing nude in front of his camera, balanced atop the stone wall, when he lost his balance and fell 16 feet to the ground below. Unlike its erstwhile owner, the camera was still safely settled on the tripod on the wall, and police plan to develop the film for clues to the man's death. Darwin anticipates that they will find none, and this story will stand as a testament to the self-pruning nature of the tree of life. (11 October 2000, Itim) The violent unrest in the Middle East has created a new Darwin Award winner. Alon and two friends went to the Eli junction to enjoy throwing stones at passing cars. They scored on a passing truck, then Alon walked into the street, stones in hand, to attack a passing car. The driver tried to swerve away from the stones, lost control of his car, and overturned, killing the stone thrower and severely injuring the driver. Judea and Samaria District police determined that the accidental crash was caused by the stone-throwing. (1 January 2000, Canada) Believe it or not, there are people who dive into the ocean for a refreshing swim every New Year's Day. It's called a Polar Bear swim, and it's just a crazy ritual to most of us. Anyone who has seen the film Titanic, or read a book about Eskimos, knows that icy water brings on rapid hypothermia and death. But our hero Adrian, studying for his doctorate in Forestry, was not one to heed such trivial concerns. This 38-year-old man was enjoying a hockey game with friends on Kingsmere Lake when he attempted a Polar Bear swim between holes cut two meters apart on the lake. He dove in at 1:30 AM and failed to resurface. It is common knowledge that it is nearly impossible to find a small hole in the ice once you've slid beneath the surface. Particularly when you are suffering from the effects of hypothermia: low blood pressure, confusion, and weakness. Frantic friends jumped in but were unable to find him. They aimed car headlights at the hole to help Adrian find his way back, but to no avail. "The water was only waist deep," said the man's brother. "He must have gotten disoriented." Adrian's frigid body was recovered Saturday by firefighters, not far from the ice hole that tempted him to his doom. (22 February 2000, Pennsylvania) A man clearing timber from his lot in Chestnuthill Township failed to notice that the tree he was working on had other trees leaning against it. When the weight of its neighbors pushed the tree over in the expected direction, the erstwhile lumberjack ran for his life, but slipped in the icy snow and fell directly in the path of the looming trunk, which landed on him with the expected result. (28 February 2000, London, Ohio) Some artists bleed for their creative work, but usually not literally. That standard changed on Monday, when a gangster-rap video artist put his final effort into his project, and shot himself in the head while the cameras rolled. 24-year-old Robert created the 10-minute video at his apartment with his brother Michael and a friend named Fred. On camera, Robert reached for a .22-caliber handgun, swung the muzzle of the gun to his temple, and fired the gun. The two co-producers hindered efforts to save the injured man. Police were summoned to the scene by complaints from a neighbor who objected to the loud music and violent shouting. But when they arrived, Michael had to be restrained from preventing police from controlling the scene, and Fred struck a paramedic. Both face misdemeanor charges. Robert was 24 when he died in a coma at the Ohio State University Medical Center. (1998, London) A £200,000 fine was levied against a construction firm for the deaths of two workers. The two 28-year-old men, reportedly experienced in their work, fell 100 feet after drilling a hole through thick concrete without realizing they were standing in the center of the circle. Neither was wearing a safety harness to arrest his 8-story plunge. (March 2000) The Grand Canyon in Arizona is cordoned off by a fence around the more treacherous overlooks, to prevent unsteady sightseers from tottering into the depths. Some of these overlooks have small towering plateaus a short distance from the fence. Tourists toss coins onto the plateaus, like dry wishing wells. Quite a few coins pile up on the surfaces, while others fall to the valley floor far below. One entrepreneur climbed over the fence with a bag, and leapt to one of the precarious, coin-covered perches. He filled the bag with booty, then tried to leap back to the fence with the coins. But the heavy bag arrested his jump, and several tourist were treated to a view of his plunge to the bottom of the Grand Canyon. He did not survive to harvest the piles of coins that had suffered his same fate. (4 March 2000, California) We here in the Silicon Valley are besieged by rude and arrogant idiots. Those of us who grew up here are always hoping more of them will remove themselves from our presence in some amusing way. I am happy to report that one such woman has not only removed herself from the Bay Area through her arrogant idiocy, she has even gone so far as to remove herself from existence itself. Sivaenga was killed and three of her family members injured when they were hit by a train apparently after an arrogant, I-am-more-important-than-God-himself attempt to skirt around a railroad crossing gate that was already down. She sped ahead of a line of cars waiting for the train to cross and attempted to get around the crossing gates, despite ringing warning bells and flashing red lights. Luckily, these deterrents that normally stop people were not enough for Sivaenga or we would still be stuck with her. (9 October 1999, Maine) Some men die peacefully in bed, while others suffer less pleasant ends. 23-year-old Benjamin lost his life in one of the most unappetizing manners possible when he careened into a 400,000-gallon tank of raw sewage on Friday night. Police speculated that he was driving his 1998 Mazda pickup much too fast to make the sharp right turn in front of the wastewater treatment plant. He was apparently exceeding the speed limit by a generous margin, as his momentum carried him through a chain link fence, across an easement, and through a low post-and-rail fence surrounding the tank of decomposing sewage. Divers located his body beside his upright pickup on the bottom of the 16-foot deep tank. The autopsy failed to provide a conclusive cause for death, but we speculate they will find he died from "taking too much crap". (3 March 2000, Pennsylvania) In a related event, Andrew died in a messy farming accident at Crooked Creek Farm when he slipped into a manure spreader. Rescue crews failed to revive him (and who can blame them?) The cause of death was determined to be blunt force trauma. (16 August 1999) Daniel was tired to death - literally -- at the Buckeye Ford Dealership in London. He had sneaked onto the lot in the wee hours of the morning with theft on his mind. His modus operandi was to jack up the back of a pickup truck, remove the wheels, heave them into the bed of a hot-wired Buckeye Ford pickup, and move on to the next target. Daniel possessed what local police referred to as "an extensive criminal background," and had apparently spent years honing his craft. But his expertise failed him this time. The pickup was half full when the 47-year-old thief's next (and final) target slipped off the jack and landed squarely on his chest at 4AM. A clear case of live by the truck, die by the truck. In a related incident, Police in London, Ohio say a thief was killed while stealing tires from a Ford dealership. Employees found the body of Daniel Nolan, 47, when they arrived for work Monday morning. The jack holding up a truck slipped and crushed him. (23 March 2000, California) A 36-year-old biochemist who was dying to see the legendary rock band KISS on their farewell tour got his wish. Shawn traveled from Calistoga to the Oakland Coliseum, and was enjoying the show, except for one little problem. He was dissatisfied with his seat in the top row of the stadium. He climbed a 7-foot wall to gain a better view of the stage - only to inadvertently discover a new seat three stories below. The group he had traveled to the concert with had no idea he was missing, until the show ended and the police began asking questions. That's when they learned that Shawn had mistaken a curtain for a solid wall, leaned back, and fallen to his death on an escalator 100 feet below. A police spokesman said the site of the accident was "a good place to obtain a better view." (18 March 2000, Australia) The start of the Victorian Duck Shooting season frequently ushers in a speedy reduction in the number of Australian duck shooters - and without the assistance of the anti-duck shooting lobby. At the Cairn Curran Reservoir near Castlemaine in central Victoria, a group of duck shooters set forth on an adventure in a small aluminum dinghy. This 3-meter craft is termed a "tinny" for it's cheap aluminum design. This particular tinny was rated to carry 3 adults. Instead it was carrying George and his three friends, all from Melbourne. And it was carrying George's son, six shotguns, and 3 crates of ammunition at 25kg each. The tinny found itself loaded with over 500kg. With all that gear and flesh onboard, there was no room for life jackets, so they were left behind in the car. Instead the men were wearing their waders, and waders act like lead weights if they fill with water. It is virtually impossible to swim wearing them. Always wear lifejackets. If this story teaches you nothing else, let it teach you this. 300 meters from shore, the boat capsized, pitching its contents into the water. Three men were rescued by boaters to live until another day's stupidity. George and one friend were less lucky. They were found dead, both wearing waders and Darwin Awards. Sadly the son, who was too innocent to win, also died. (8 March 2000, Nevada) On Thursday afternoon, 29-year-old Andrea was working with her young and spirited Arabian horse, which she had won in a lottery the previous year. The animal was only partially trained, and still a bit spooky. Every time Andrea tried to don its bridle, the horse threw back its head and frustrated her efforts. Then Andrea had the brilliant idea of tying a rope around the Arabian's head, and fastening the other end around her waist to keep the horse from throwing its head back. That way, she would have both hands free to fasten the bridle. But horses are 500 times stronger than people, according to Deputy Sheriff Lance Modispacher, who reported that the horse spooked again, threw Andrea off her feet, and began running around its paddock, dragging its erstwhile trainer by the rope around her waist. And the rope was short, so she was trampled right under the horse's feet as it ran. Her father noticed the commotion and ran to help. Unfortunately his two dogs came with him, and started chasing the horse, nipping at its heels. This did not improve Andrea's situation. He finally managed to lock the dogs away and fetch a knife from the house. With the help of a neighbor, he chased the horse down and cut the rope, freeing the lacerated lass. But Andrea had already spent ten minutes under the hooves of her horse, and she died a few hours later at a local hospital, a victim of internal injuries and head trauma, the result of her lamentable decision to tie herself to a skittish horse. (14 May 2000, France) A Berlin woman attempting to capture a memorable photo of the Running Bulls in the southern town of Nimes paid for her stupidity with her life on Sunday. The 68-year-old photographer removed a metal safety barricade and stood in the middle of the street with her camera to her eye, searching for the best camera angle. She was knocked over by a horse whose startled rider could not stop in time, then trampled by the horse and six rampaging bulls before being rescued from the street. She was flow to a nearby hospital, where she died from her injuries. 7 May 2000, Italy) Full speed ahead! A young couple was killed in a freak car accident in Chieti this weekend. Germano and Franciska were discovered almost completely naked, and investigators assume they were having sex in their small Italian vehicle while it raced along Abruzzan roads at upwards of 80mph. Italian youngsters commonly use their cars for romantic trysts when parents forbid sex before marriage. But it is a mystery why this pair chose sex in a car travelling at high speeds over country roads. Germano lost control of the car in a bend, and the 27-year old man and his 20-year-old paramour were killed by the impact. (5 June 2000, Texas) A 26-year-old man in Parker County drowned when he was swept away by high water as he walked across a spillway, trying to convince his wife it was safe to drive across. (5 June 2000, Australia) A 23-year-old man who dropped his keys down a lift shaft was killed when he tried to retrieve them. The man was entering a lift with two work mates when he accidentally dropped his key ring. He asked his mates to hold the lift while he climbed out to retrieve it. He exited via the ceiling trapdoor, and was scrambling down the side of the lift when an adjacent car began to move. It wedged him so firmly against the lift wall that it took police rescuers 3 hours to extract the crushed man, and additional two minutes to retrieve his keys. (24 April 2000, Oregon) A misplaced faith in the miracle of duct tape led to the demise of a man boating on the Columbia River on Monday evening. Duct tape has a reputation for fixing any problem. Steven and a friend were fishing in a 12-foot aluminum boat held together with multiple duct tape repairs, including the motor mount. Suddenly they encountered rough water and Steven stood up in the boat. The vessel, rated to hold 200 pounds, capsized and tossed the two men and their 640 pounds of equipment into the water. The US Coast Guard rescued the surviving companion on Tuesday morning, but Steven was not so lucky. He was found dead in an ill-fitting life jacket. Perhaps if he had duct taped it in place, he would still be sailing the river in his rickety dinghy, instead of holding a Darwin Award. (1 October 1995, Canada) Horseshoe Falls is on the Canadian side of Niagara Falls. Over a decade ago, a daredevil named Robert equipped himself with a homemade rocket-parachute contraption and rode a jet ski over Horseshoe Falls at full throttle. He planned to ignite the rocket to propel him clear of the falls, then deploy the parachute and float down to the river below, where he would be fished out by the Maid o' the Mist tour boat. But the water had a dampening effect on his equipment. The rocket failed to ignite and the parachute failed to deploy. However, the third phase of his scheme did work according to plan. His corpse was recovered from the river below by the Maid o' the Mist staff. Robert was married but had no children, making him a perfect Darwin contender. (19 April 2000, Georgia ) A mechanic at a tire store in Montezuma was killed when a tire he and his brother were repairing exploded. The two were attempting to repair a crack in a tractor-trailer wheel rim with a welding torch. A high school chemistry student can tell you that heating air in a sealed container, such as a truck tire, causes the gas to expand and the pressure to increase. But the brothers, who had been repairing tires for years, did not heed this principle and deflate the tire before fixing the crack. Montezuma Police Chief Lewis Cazenave hypothesized that the heat from the welding torch caused the air in the tire to expand until it exploded. Witnesses say that when the 4' diameter tire exploded, the rim left the axle "with great velocity," striking Robert in the head and killing him instantly. The force of the explosion was enough to knock a pickup truck off of a nearby lift, and the report was heard at the local police station one mile away. The Occupational Safety and Health Administration cited and fined the tire and wheel company, but the owner says he will contest the findings. "They were both trained. The manager and the customer told him not to, but he did it anyway." (August 1999, Georgia) Ian was a fitness fanatic and self-employed electrician living in an English seaside town. He had recently converted one room of his cottage into a new gym. Among the weights and exercise equipment hung a punchbag, suspended from a chain from the ceiling. Little did Ian realize that he had inadvertently managed to combine his hobby with his work After a Saturday night carousing with his cousin, Norton came home to show off his new gym. Leading the way, he switched on the lights and casually punched the punchbag. He was knocked to the floor by a bolt of electricity, and died instantly. He had wired the power supply to the punchbag. Norton's best friend said: "He was a brilliant guy. It's crazy that two major parts of his life contributed to his death." You might say he was shockingly fit. (8 April 2000, Alaska) Ordinarily a man killed by an avalanche is suffering from a natural disaster, and not eligible for a Darwin Award. But the circumstances surrounding the death of Walter, a 43-year-old Fairbanks man, are unusual enough to warrant an exception. He was killed not by a natural disaster, but by his own blatant stupidity. Walter was in the Summit Lake area north of Paxson for the annual Arctic Man Ski & Sno Go Classic, which combines skis and snow machines with pristine ice. To celebrate of the event, he was highmarking the mountains with his snow machine. This stunt involves driving as far as possible up the side of a mountain, and just before the machine bogs down from the ascent, turning and driving back down. The U-shaped furrow on the hill marks your best shot until a buddy takes a charge up the hill and betters it. Highmarkers like to do it above tree level so everybody can see their display of testosterone. Using heavy and noisy machines to undermine the snowpack in an avalanche-prone area is not a sport for the meek. The warm spring weather had destabilized the snow and caused several avalanches, and event organizers urged recreational snowmachiners to stay off the steep slopes. Walter himself had been buried waist-deep in an avalanche that day, and warned by rescuing State Troopers to stay off the mountains, or at least carry an avalanche beacon. But their warnings and Walter's own substantial experience with snowmachines were not enough to save him. The avalanche that ended his life was an unstable slab of wind-deposited snow resting on a layer of temperature-weakened snow. Avalanche expert Jill Fredston located likely search locations, and rescue dogs Chili and Bean found the frozen victim lying face-up under four feet of snow. Sergeant Paul Burke said, "You'd think people would have more prudence." Some people do, but not a Darwin Award winner like Walter. (14 July 2000, Canada) It was a dare that Sheldon, 25, will literally never take again. He and a group of friends found themselves at a Calgary apartment after an evening spent at a local bar. It was there that a joking challenge was issued. "Who wants to ride the in-house water slide?" The slide was actually a garbage chute. Sheldon volunteered, tumbled into the opening, and his subsequent headlong slide beat the standard elevator service down to the first floor. An unforgiving trash compactor awaited his arrival, and friends administered CPR there until emergency crews arrived at the scene. But they were too late. The 12-story fall had already dispatched Sheldon to his Darwinian demise (24 June 2000, Shizuoka, Japan) 50cc scooters are a common site on Japan's busy streets. They are meant for one rider and one rider alone. There is a law against riding double and violators of this law are subject to a fine. Whether it was an attempt to avoid the law, save transportation costs, or just a show of bravado, three fifteen year old boys decided to ride triple -- yes, triple -- on a scooter. Their ability to accomplish this feat on a small scooter proves that what they lacked in intelligence they more than made up for in dexterity and adventurous spirit. Not one of them possessed a license to drive any vehicle whatsoever, nor did any have the sense to wear a helmet, gloves or any form of protective riding gear. A fifty-two year old driver quickly ended the boys' adventure with the front end of his car. A moment later the boys were airborne at roughly the same speed they were traveling on the scooter, which can reach speeds in excess of 50km per hour. Two of the boys flew into oncoming traffic and were run over by not one but two consecutive cars. All three suffered severe trauma and were pronounced 'Darwin eligible candidates' at the scene of the accident. The police had trouble determining which one of the boys was in control of the scooter at the time of the fatal crash, but we all know that it was the Hands of Stupidity placed firmly on the handlebars and throttle (4 July 2000, New York)America's Independence Day celebration is a festival for pyromaniacs. People routinely lose fingers and eyes in fireworks explosions, year after year, seemingly oblivious to the dangers. And the bigger the fireworks, the greater the damage. Keith, 34, suffered partial decapitation when he peered into the mouth of a launching tube containing what he thought was a malfunctioning aerial firework. The unlicensed pyrospectacular display was to be the grand finale of his party, and in his haste to correct the problem he placed his head directly over the opening. After a short delay the fireworks exploded, giving both his head and his party an impromptu yet spectacular grand finale. (4 July 2000, Alberta, Canada) Yet another man has shot himself in the groin, greatly reducing his chance of contributing to the gene pool. This particular example of a common miscalculation happened at a Billiards room in Calgary. The 34-year-old man had been involved in an argument at 4am, and came back to settle the score, according to Calgary Police Inspector John Middleton-Hope. "(as) he pulled a small-caliber handgun from his waistband... it discharged." The man, described by his wife as distraught, was taken to a hospital for treatment. His injuries weren't life-threatening, "but I would suggest they were life-altering," said the Inspector. (8 September 2000, Russia) A man who threatened to "deal with" his wife and her lover blew himself up with a home-made bomb on Friday in the far eastern Russian city of Khabarovsk. The bomb exploded when the man tried to attach it to the door of their not-so-secret apartment boudoir. (27 July 2000, Phnom Penh) A motorcycle taxi driver challenged his neighbor to stand beneath a hornets' nest, while two men pelted it with stones. The 53-year old man should have known better, but he had a local reputation as a ‘strong man' to uphold. He stood beneath the nest and the pelting commenced. The man endured the pain of countless stinging hornets before expiring from the toxic injections. Apparently he was not as strong as he thought. (3 December 2000, Australia) A stabbing death of a man in the suburbs of Brisbane was precipitated by a bizarre twist of fate. Two men, aged 21 and 28, went to a caravan park intent on doing serious damage to the occupant of one trailer. In the ensuing confusion, the intended victim escaped without injury while his two attackers managed to viciously stab each other. The 21-year-old knife-wielder died at the scene, while the 28-year-old was hospitalized with severe injuries. The incident thus qualifies for both a Darwin Award and an Honorable Mention, a rare event indeed! (25 November 2000, Canada) A 66-year-old Quebec woman was hit not once, not twice, but three times by speeding cars on a Canadian highway while trying to save her Christmas trees. The woman had been driving on the highway with several conifers strapped none too securely to the roof of her vehicle, when they fell off into the traffic lanes. Although it was nighttime, and there were no lights on the road, the courageous woman risked -- and lost -- her life trying to rescue her trees from the speeding cars. (November 2000, England) A husband who frequently asked his wife to cover his nose and mouth with her nightie during lovemaking, decided to add a plastic bag to his repertoire of solo sex tools. Martin, 34, pulled a plastic bag over his head and used a vacuum cleaner to remove the air. He was found lying by the still-running vacuum cleaner, fully clothed, dead, still holding the plug. (25 November 2000, Australia) At the Spring Nationals country festival in Shepparton, a celebration truck drove noisily down Main Street at a sedate pace of 5mph, with frolicking people climbed all over it. The sight of the slow-moving truck gave a visitor from Cranbourne a bright idea. He decided to surf along behind the truck. All decked out in his big Mexican hat, with a can of beer in one hand and a rope attached to the back of the truck in the other, he slid along the surface of the road on a piece of cardboard, having a wonderful time… until the rope caught beneath the truck, and he was pulled under the wheels. As if becoming a human speed hump isn't amusing enough, the photo on the front page of the newspaper showed the body in a body bag -- with the Mexican hat beside it! (29 September 2000, South Carolina) A 32-year-old man hitching a ride on a pallet truck died when the vehicle passed under a bridge at 55mph and the concrete overpass struck the man's head. The driver told police that he had warned the riders not to sit up there but they were "hardheaded." Apparently the deceased wasn't hardheaded enough! (January 2001, Australia) A 37-year-old man was enjoying the night air with his buddy, watching the stars overhead, feeling the Land Cruiser rocking gently beneath him as his wife drove him home... when an unexpected jolt flung Dean from the roof of the sports utility vehicle and into the night sky. Police said, "The deceased had been drinking, but what they were doing on the roof I'm not sure." (27 October 2000, Illinois) A splinter group of Jehovah's Witnesses that tests their faith by standing in traffic, lost one of their members when she was struck by a vehicle on Interstate 55 while professing her beliefs to the passing motorists. It was not her first attempt to win converts in the middle of the busy freeway, but it was certainly her last. "A woman chasing a rat with a lit roll of paper set her bed ablaze and narrowly escaped from a smoke-filled apartment with her life at the Royal Beechnut Apartments in Houston." ABC13 and KTRK Houston Texas "People injured or killed in the Michigan firearms deer season include a Bay City man shot in the leg while trying to photograph his dog holding a rifle, which accidentally went off." 28 November 2000 Michigan Live "Something strange is happening to Malaysia executioners manning the gallows. Three people in the last two years have accidentally hanged themselves while clowning around. The most recent mishap occurred when the executioner prepared for an upcoming sentence and slipped the noose around his neck. Apparently he wanted pictures taken of himself standing on the gallows when the trap door gave way, breaking his neck instantly. " 29 November 2000 Bizarre News, Kuala Lumpur Malaysia "A 27-year-old policeman fell to his death when he accidentally piloted a powerful speedboat over 165-foot high Loskop Dam near Johannesburg." Reuters South Africa "Two soldiers died in their tent when fumes from an illegal propane heater snuffed their lives in Barstow, California. Officials said they were on an Army training exercise in the Mojave Desert when they broke new ground in abuse of gas-powered equipment." 15 January 2001 TAP "An off-duty Los Angeles police officer accidentally shot himself while cleaning his gun, and was treated for a groin injury at a nearby hospital." 14 January 2001 Sacramento Bee (2000, England) This tale proves that crime does pay, if you're fishing for elective surgery to go along with your stolen goods. A 24-year-old supermarket shoplifter stuffed a pair of live lobsters in his pants and sprinted for the door, but he never had a chance. The violated crustaceans brought the thief to his knees in front of startled cashiers when they fastened their powerful claws around his delicate parts. Doctors were able to remove the animals with pliers. They say the thief will fully recover -- except for one small detail. "It was a do-it-yourself vasectomy." This man's daring supermarket exploits make him one of the few Darwin Award winners to live to tell the tale. The supermarket manager declined to press charges, saying the culprit has already "gone through enough pain (to) learn his lesson." The felonious antics of two fast-food managers ended tragically when their robbery cover-up scheme went up in smoke. Lisa, 22 year-old night manager of Burger King, conspired with the 34-year-old day manager to heist over $4000 from the restaurant. They staged an elaborate fake robbery/arson, in which Lisa acted the part of the victim bound with duct tape and trapped in the walk-in cooler, while her co-conspirator started a small fire and walked off with a duffel bag of cash. A key part of their plan was a quick "rescue" of Lisa by the local fire department. Unfortunately the wastebasket fire went unnoticed until the morning shift arrived to find a slow-burning smolder that had never erupted into the desired blaze. The air from the open door caused the smolder to burst into flames, and firefighters were summoned. They found Lisa in the freezer, chilled and semi-conscious, and rushed her to a hospital where she died from hypothermia. When police nabbed her bungling 34-year-old accomplice with the cash stashed in a Burger King bag, she tearfully confessed the details of the crime, implicating Lisa in her own death. Her account was verified by the fact that Lisa’s body showed no signs of forced restraint, the duct tape was loose, and she could have easily freed herself from her bindings and escaped from the unlocked refrigerator. (30 December 2000, Missouri) A Kansas City police officer was in the Flamingo bar, waiting to see some friends play in a band. He had only just arrived when a man ran into the bar and announced that he'd been robbed in the parking lot, and so had another man! The officer elicited the details, called for backup, and rushed outside, assuming the villian would be long gone. To his surprise, the suspect was still sitting in the pickup truck he had just car-jacked. The officer approached the man, coincidentally named Shields, with his gun and HIS shield drawn for identification. It turned out that Mr. Shields had car-jacked a pickup with a manual transmission, but he didn’t know how to drive a stick shift. He tried to flee, but the grinding of gears indicated that he was having trouble putting the pickup into reverse. The officer pulled the incompetent criminal from the immobile car. Mr. Shields challenged the cop to a gun fight… and was quickly dispatched by five rounds fired by the officer. A check of the perpetrator’s gun revealed it was fully loaded, except for the most important round… the one in the chamber. The morals of the story are: If you are going to steal a car, know how to drive a stick shift; and if you are going to challenge a police officer to a duel, make sure to load your weapon. 2000 Darwin Awards Runner-Up (28 February 2000, Texas) A Houston man earned a succinct lesson in gun safety when he played Russian roulette with a .45-caliber semiautomatic pistol. Rashaad, nineteen, was visiting friends when he announced his intention to play the deadly game. He apparently did not realize that a semiautomatic pistol, unlike a revolver, automatically inserts a cartridge into the firing chamber when the gun is cocked. His chance of winning a round of Russian roulette was zero, as he quickly discovered. (26 March 2000, South Carolina) A North Carolina woman learned a hard lesson about drugs when she decided to sleep on the roof. Police reports say that Patricia and her boyfriend had been drinking and smoking marijuana, when they decided to enjoy the fresh air on the roof of the King Charles Inn. They climbed over a guard rail with pillows and blankets, and fell asleep under the stars. Sound asleep, apparently. Patricia slid off the roof and fell to her death on Hasell Street shortly before dawn on Sunday. When police arrived at the scene, the boyfriend was found still sleeping on the roof, curled up in a blanket and pillow. The death has been ruled accidental, but we feel that the blame belongs to the stoned woman who chose to snooze on the roof. (24 January 2000, Ohio) The Los Angeles Police Department contacted Ohio police hoping to locate a missing truck driver and his load of broccoli. The stalled truck was located four days later and towed to a local mechanic. They thawed and refueled the truck and found that, apart from an empty gas tank, the vehicle had no mechanical problems. The driver's personal effects and seven bricks of marijuana were discovered in the cab of the vehicle. The trucking company and the police were both interested in the whereabouts of the errant driver, and a search was initiated. Shortly thereafter a patrolman noticed two feet protruding between the pallets of broccoli -- feet which belonged to the missing man. The broccoli was unloaded as quickly as possible in the cold Ohio winter, leaving the frozen body of the driver standing precisely upside down, attached to the floor of the trailer by his head. He was surrounded by space heaters and eventually pried off the floor, but his frozen corpse had to be turned on its side to load it into a rescue squad vehicle, as his arm was sticking out and wouldn't fit through the door. The Cuyahoga County coroner's office determined that the man was trying to retrieve a stash of cocaine from between the pallets of broccoli when he fell and knocked himself unconscious. He soon suffered from a fatal case of hypothermia and died in the icy air. Perhaps he should have confined his drug smuggling to the more clement climate of California. 2000 Darwin Award Winners (2000, Colorado) Summer is the most blissful of seasons, when our favorite summertime activity -- do it yourself stupidity -- kicks into high gear. Meet Charles, 34, a Denver masonry contractor who created brick and mortar edifices. Charles was in construction. He had worked on houses, he had watched electricians install wiring. He believed this qualified him as a member of the Junior Electrician Society. He figured he could handle any electrical issue that came up around his own home. One day on the job, Charles was apparently bonked in the head by his bricks. He had the great idea! He would build an electric fence in his own backyard. "An electric fence will keep the dogs in." Charles connected a wire to an extension cord, and managed to encircle his backyard with a 120-V strand of wire without mishap. His dogs will not be sued for puppy support with this security system in place! The household became accustomed to the fence, and things settled down to normal, until Charles picked up a passion for gardening. Charles had a real nice set of tomatoes, and I'm not referring to his wife. One day he reached for a tomato, put his hand on the electrified wire, and there's really no need to explain what happened next. Why did this man die? Like other inexperienced people, he thought he knew what he was doing. But his design had two major flaws. Fences constructed for dogs use one-tenth the voltage of cattle fences (which do use 120 volts.) And he needed to install a repeater, which transmits 150-microsecond pulses, to hit a cow with a jolt of juice that cuts off in time to avoid creating a pile of rare steaks by the fence. The moral of this story is, as always, one of the guiding principles of common sense: if you don't know how to do something, don't do it! (13 March 2000, New Jersey) It started out like a scene from The Brady Bunch. Andrew and his fiancée were living together with his three children and her three children in Dover Township, when an argument over chocolate cake icing erupted. Andrew accused his ten-year-old son of taking the missing container, and the two became embroiled in a heated disagreement. Andrew took the boy out to the garage for a private discussion, and there the conversation became even more emotional. Then the man made his fatal mistake. He handed a five-inch kitchen knife to his angry son, and challenged the boy to stab him if he hated him so much. The boy put the knife down, but Andrew picked it up and placed it in his hand again. In the heat of the moment the outraged boy took him up on the offer and plunged the knife into his chest. The deadly blow happened so fast that no one could stop it. Andrew was pronounced dead at Community Medical Center. His last words were "Would you believe the kid did that?" The fourth grader, charged with manslaughter and illegal possession of a weapon, faces up to three years imprisonment. But Ocean County prosecutor E. David Millard said it was unlikely that he would serve jail time, as the boy had been provoked. (11 March 2000, Perth, Australia) It just stands to reason, one should follow safe practices while filming a safety video. But Peter, the 52-year-old owner of a machinery and equipment training school, violated that rule of common sense while filming a forklift safety demonstration. With the cameras rolling, he was thrown from the cabin of his forklift and crushed. Subsequent investigation revealed the culprits responsible for the fatality: driver error and high speed over varied terrain, coupled with an unused seat belt. His final safety demonstration was the most convincing of his career. "He really got caught up in his work." (01 March 2000, Maine) The owner of the Carrier Chipping Company inadvertently reproduced the chilling climactic scene in the movie Fargo, and was rent asunder by his own wood chipper. The chipper, affectionately known as the "Hog," will take birch or maple logs up to 24 inches in diameter and reduce them to 3/4" chips of wood. Employees were working late to make up for time spent repairing equipment malfunctions earlier in the day. When the Hog jammed, Michael climbed the conveyor belt feeding the chipper and used a rake to break up the bark jam in the chute. Director C. William Freeman of the Bangor Occupational Safety and Health Administration said, "Generally, our experience (of fatal accidents involving chippers) has found two causes: inadequate machine guarding, or a failure to institute an effective lockout-tagout program when someone is unjamming pieces of equipment." Apparently Michael was not a proponent of lockout-tagout procedures. His efforts were directed against a machine that was still in operation. The Skowhegan resident was somewhat the worse for the wear after his passage through the Hog. Police Chief Butch Asselin said that the remains would be subjected to DNA analysis for a positive ID, and added "I hope I never, ever see anything like this, ever again. I had a hard time sleeping last night." (25 May 2000, Philippines) We all enjoy learning from the past. Reflect back to November 24, 1971, aboard a Northwest Orient Airlines flight in Portland. A man who had purchased his ticket under the name of "Dan Cooper" demanded two hundred thousand dollars in cash and four parachutes. The plane made a landing in Seattle to accommodate his requests and disgorge the passengers. Once the plane was back in the air, Cooper asked how to lower the tail stairs, and then ordered the flight attendant out of the cabin. When the plane landed in Reno, the tail stairs were open and Cooper and the money were gone. For all his cool demeanor, Cooper had the crosshairs of evolution on him when he decided to jump. There was a freezing rainstorm outside, and the wind chill from the plane's velocity dropped the effective temperature to -60 degrees Fahrenheit. To seal his fate, he jumped with no food or survival gear into a heavily wooded forest in winter at night. The peanuts provided on the plane were just not enough to sustain his life. It is assumed that the man the FBI called D. B. Cooper died in the mountains or hit the Columbia River and drowned. History, then, teaches us that one cannot jump out of an airplane and survive. You would think that a hijacker would know better, but… We turn to Davao City in the Philippines this year. Augusto was a man with a mission. He boarded a Philippine Air flight to Manila, and donned a ski mask and swim goggles. Then he pulled out a gun and a grenade and announced that he was hijacking the plane. Apparently security is a bit lax at the Davao City airport. He demanded that the plane return to Davao City, but the pilots convinced him that the aircraft was low on fuel, and they continued on toward Manila. Augusto, undaunted, robbed the passengers of about $25,000 and ordered the pilots to lower the plane to 6,500 feet. When a lunatic with a gun orders you to descend, you descend. Meanwhile, Augusto strapped a homemade parachute onto his back, and forced the flight attendants to open the door and depressurize the plane. He probably intended to jump, but the wind was so strong that he had trouble getting out of the plane. Finally one of the flight attendants helpfully pushed him out the door, just as he pulled the pin from the grenade. He threw the pin (oops!) into the cabin, and fell toward the earth carrying the business end of the grenade in his hand. The impact of Augusto hitting the earth at terminal velocity had little effect on the earth's orbit. All that remained aboveground were Augusto's two hands. So history repeats itself with a new twist. 1. Don't throw yourself out of a perfectly good airplane. 2. If you feel compelled to violate Lesson 1, at least don't roll your own... parachute, that is. |
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